Awesome Entrances

If you ever wondered what makes a hero a bad ass then it is definitely the 'Entrance'. This single act of just showing up truly is the difference maker on whether you are a hero or just another schmuck running around with some cool weapons.  Unfortunately at this point I was unable to find any video of epic entrances so you will just have to imagine them.  Some very epic entrances are like out of Ninja Assassin when Ryo gets done battling it out in the one chick's apartment and she decides she should listen to him or become diced mince meat.  He rises out of the shadows behind the dead ninja in epic fashion.  There are many others like in the 'Book of Eli' when Denzel shoots the kitty cat eating the dead body.  Harrison Ford in 'Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark' also an epic entrance.  Things that do not count as being an epic entrance. Peeing into a cup, yeah I am looking at you Kevin Costner.  Water World sucked and it sucked  even more when a line of urine is the first thing anyone sees in that movie.  Anything from 'Battlefield Earth', doesn't matter who it is entering the screen it was horrible. Let us not forget the movie '2012' wow the end of the world in cgi is kind of cool however no one had a cool entrance at all. 
Now that we have gone through what an epic entrances does and doesn't look like it is time to start helping you plan out how you will make your entrance.  First, do you have any cool skills or abilities that you can take advantage of ie. popping out of now where, invisibility, ability to fly, cool sword tricks, pet tigers, large fire arms, being a ninja, having zombie like tendencies or ability to faint on command (no fainting isn't cool or epic I just would like to see that so I can laugh at you when you hit the floor).  Once you have determined what your cool ability is then we can move on to choreographing your entrance. This may involve kicking a door in and spraying lead death everywhere with automatic weapons or simply walking in and turning off your invisibility.  Whatever it is you will need to practice it constantly.  The easiest way is to do your epic entrance everywhere you go until you have mastered it.  Yes if you are the gun wielding hero/heroin and your epic entrance is kicking in a door and blasting everyone in the room you do it no matter where you go, nursing homes, birthday parties, work or the local fat burger.  This may cause a large bill for ammo and a rather extensive body count but you will thank me later when you have one of the most epic entrances ever.
So home work for you is watch epic movie entrances, figure out what your cool special ability is and then choreograph your entrance and write it in the comments so I can steal it and use it as my own later. 

Hard Water Ninja #2

Looking at the mentality of being hard again lets look at how you would create a person that is hard.  I feel that people aren't born hard they are taught to be hard.  But, what happens if two hard people have a kid.  Lets say for example Clint Eastwood and Alice from Resident Evil.  Now I am not talking about old Gran Torino Clint but young virile Clint from the 1960s (see picture to right). Now for his female counter part Alice.  She is ass kicking goodness to the core.  She understand what it takes to survive and she has the skill set to do it, guns, knives, kickboxing and all the necessary instincts. Now there is the fact that Alice is infected by the T-Virus and all that stuff and as much as that sucks I am sure Clint has had a virus or two in his life and kicked the virus's ass so he won't be to worried about contracting it.  And lets face fact you can't create a hard baby if you rap your revolver.

I'm not going into the nuts and bolts of the process so we can just assume things worked out and they had a kid.  We will call him Logan if a boy and if a girl Athena.  Why Logan you ask, well it was the name of my favorite Marvel superhero Wolverine and it sound like a rough and tumble name. And for some reason I think both Alice and Clint would approve (this my scenario so I make the rules). Why Athena? Well she was pretty much a kick ass goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill.  So it would seem to be a great name for a girl in this scenario.  Although it will be hard to picture this creature of survival you can be assured that mommy and daddy will have taught him/her a few things.  These skills being how to use a gun, how to punch and kick, how not to suck at life, how to kill a zombie and what it takes to make it. So what would this child look like?  Here is my best guess of the Athena can't find a good enough representation of Logan but I will keep looking.

Hard Water Ninja

I inserted the word water into the title because I think people will get the wrong idea.  Something about 'hard ninja' Just screams ninja walking around with a boner.  Anyway, let us discuss what it is to be 'hard' and for you all playing the Ninja home game I am not talking about boners... I digress. The 'hard' I am talking about is the 'no shit fortitude' that no matter what 'throwing stars of death' life tosses your way you are going to make it.  If you have seen a Clint Eastwood movie pretty much every character he plays is 'hard'.  Now I am not saying everyone should go smoke 3 packs of cowboy killers a day and walk around talking in a low throaty voice like Clint. But take note, Clint is a bad ass.  The other type of hard is say, Alice from Resident Evil (seriously they should pay me moneys for pimping their movies, are you listening Constantin Film Produktion ?) Now this chick is hard, but in the way that, she has a 'never say die' attitude.  She presents it differently than Clint does. Clint: I'm a bad ass with years of ass kicking under my belt. Alice: I am hot chick who can kick your ass if you make me and look good doing it with a red dress and big black boots... don't be a zombie.  Here is the crux of the whole idea of being hard.  You have to have decided, way before the shit goes down, that you are going to make it.  You aren't going to cop out, break down and start crying about "Its over man!" *insert Bill Paxton voice here* or "I can't go any further". Screw that!  You are the type that is going to walk through a horde of the undead with a sledge hammer and make survival happen.  Not, hope and pray for someone to rescue you.  Note to all my readers, the sledge hammer is an excellent tool for zombie killing, it never runs out of bullets.  Sure you might loose a few team mates along the way, and that sucks balls.  But, you aren't going to stop and start balling your eyes out about it right then and there amid the ensuing slaughter of the apocalypse.  Being hard also means having a damn survival instinct.  Knowing when it is time to run for your life or start swinging a cricket bat at the problem. This is probably one of the best instincts to have and sadly I think too few people actually have that anymore.  So, I will give you a one question quiz just in case you are one of those people who isn't sure if they have a survival instinct.  To make it even easier it will be multiple choice. 

Question #1 You see a huge grizzly bear in front of you what do you do?
a. Play Dead
b. Yell really loud and pray a park ranger hears you before the grizzly mauls you to death
3. Run like your pants are on fire and see if you can make it far enough away that it won't want to maul you any more.
d. Pick up your trusty cricket bat and charge the bear screaming your war cry at the top of your lungs.
5. Except your fate, the Lion King taught you that this is the circle of life and being eat isn't as bad as some people make it out to be, shit happens.

Which one did you choose?
I'll even helped you out. There are two right answers to the question, A and D if you chose any of the odd ball numbers or the fact that park rangers are to busy trying to catch people growing pot in the forest to come help you... You have no survival instinct.  By the way the average running speed of a Grizzly is 30 mph, and to put that in perspective the fastest human on earth ran the 100m sprint only got up to 23.4 mph and we all know none of you out there are getting up to that speed and not for the distance necessary to out run a grizzly, end of story.
Why were those two answers correct you might ask.  Well playing dead has been shown to work and at least you won't die out of breath, ie grizzly bears can run at 25-30 mph for two miles on average this means if you are a biped you are dead.  So some might ask why is D a correct answer, no I wouldn't always suggest this and the reaction of the bear could go either way but at least you have a fighting spirit and you can take that to the bank (and grave) if the bear decides to stick around and go fists to cuffs with you and your cricket bat.  If not the bear is going to run away thinking the tiny biped that is screaming like a little girl and swinging a stick is probably rabid and bears don't like rabies.
To rap this whole mess up.  Being hard is making the decision that you are going to survive through any conflict no matter what.  I repeat "no matter what."  Yes it will be difficult.  But, you have decided to grab your balls or ovaries and man/woman up and get through it.  Watching a few zombie and ninja movies will probably help you to.

Segway Ninja

First, don't let the title fool you ninjas do not need Segways.  Segways can't climb up walls, swing through windows or be used to decapitate humans.  So with that in mind, a ninja just doesn't have a need for a segway.  However, I'd like to take a moment of silence for the passing of the inventor of the segway who perished 2ish years ago during a freak segway accident.  http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/09/27/owner-segway-company-dies-driving-famous-scooter-cliff/?test=faces Apparently Jimi Heselden was riding a new cross country version of the segway on a mountain path and for some reason plummeted off a cliff to his death.  *Moment of silence* Okay done with that.
Exactly what the hell is a cross country segway?  Why would some one who doesn't even like to walk (hence the segway) want a cross country segway that will take them to places they probably have no business or desire to go.  Personally if I want to go for a hike, I'll strap on a pair of shoes and go.  I'm not going to put on my 'hiking socks' jump on my cross country segway and ride my jolly ass around the mountains, no sir.  But, this has inspired me to release my new re-invention to the world that I call 'Feet'.  That's right, almost everyone has two of them and for a low low price of free you can use these babies all day to go places, do things, and generally any locomotion you might need.  I guess that is why we were given them at birth.  Now I am all about forward thinking and inventions/gadgetry but with the obesity epidemic ever growing in the world, why would some one need one of these segways other than to be even more lazy? 

Which brings me to my last point, remember what rule 1 was in Zombieland?  Cardio.  Well, this also applies to not only zombies but ninjas.  Being opportunistic killers we will probably go after the fatties first.  Why? you ask.  Well its easier to throwing star someone in the neck that is a stationary target rather than a moving target.  So naturally a sedentary fatty is a great couple warm up shots before moving on to the real prey.  If you think jumping on a segway is some how going to save you and that you will ride away from a ninja and escape his/her death clutches, please think again.  Your average segway moves at 12.5 mph a ninja in comparison moves at the speed of a hungry cheetah.  So in any case you are toast.  Also segways only have a range of 24 miles.  While a ninja doesn't need to sleep and can run a distance of a million dead bodies laid head to foot.  Which is about 1104.8 miles.
I hope we have all learned a valuble lesson from this.  But, I'll be damned if I know what it was.

Food Ninja

So instead of ranting about the news, religion and sanity all going to the crapper.  Today I would like to discuss food and rules for eating a Ninja approved diet. 

First off, if you look at the Ninja you will notice he isn't carrying any bread just fruits and veggies.  This should be a clue to the normal human that maybe if ninja are not eating bread that means people shouldn't be either.  So we can than deduce
Rule 1: If ninja don't eat bread and cereal grains regular humans should not eat them either.  If you are interested in the why you shouldn't I personally won't go into it but you can check information out here http://www.thepaleodiet.com/  www.marksdailyapple.com/   http://robbwolf.com/

We can also come to a conclusion from this picture,
Rule 2: Eat your fruits and veggies, its what ninjas do and if you don't want to die to a throwing star to the face, eat veggies!  I think this rule is self explanatory but if not see link above for more details. 

Now this might not be extremely obvious from the picture but since Ninja are blood thirsty creatures of death we know they eat meat.  Seriously how long do you think a vegan ninja would last?  About 2 shakes of a nunchuck and that ain't long.  So remember eat your meats or end up like the first vegan ninja, dead.
Rule 3: Eat meat (fish, beef, pork and birds) or die a horrible death.

So now we come to the final rule. If you are eating your fruits, veggies and meats there is one last thing you will need, fats.  Sounds odd doesn't it but fat burns twice as good as carbs for an energy source and since a ninja needs as much energy as possible and in the least amount of space fat is awesome.  After all the ninja community long ago figured out that carbs make people fat not fats (excluding all trans fats, ie trans fat = dead bodies).  So they have a healthy diet of animal fats, olive oils, nuts, avocados and other healthy fats.  Since there is really no use in arguing with a ninja we know all this to be fact.  But for you doubters out there see link above. 
Rule 4: Eat your fats it is healthy for your body, or you can go commit harikari on yourself before a ninja gets to you and puts a sai where the sun don't shine.

To end this whole things.  Humans haven't evolved or changed since creation (depending on which view you take).  The point is we are the same as we were 20,000 years ago and that whole hunter gatherer diet is still the way we were suppose to eat.  Inevitably when the first Ninja was born there was a realization that the human genetics is suppose to consume food in this same manor and thus the ninja society as a whole continued down this path.  Hence they are superior hunters of humans because they have a superior diet.  I hope the diet and life style you have will now change for the better, untill your health declines due to katana in the jugular.

People Rating System for Ninjas

Booya Snakeyes Bitches!!!

In my past blog entry I introduced a rating system for books and would like to hash out another one for everyone. Just so later on we can all be clear when I start saying person/thing is awesome (look everyone I can spell it right now) or if whatever is a sh!t bomb.
The new rating system I would like to introduce is another throwing star based system.  Unlike my last one I introduced.  This one is based around the lower the number of stars the more we like something. Scoring will be between 0 (which is good) and 5 (which is very bad... bad like castration bad). This rating system can be used when ranking people, animals, teddy bears, music, dinosaurs and movie directors that raped my youth (I am looking at you Stephen Sommers 'GI Joe: Rise of Cobra' was blasphemy). So here it is.

0 Throwing Stars - This means that you wouldn't throwing star what ever that thing is.  You enjoy said object and you have something resembling affection for it (ninjas rarely use the word Love, we reserve that for sharp pointy things, the movie Ninja Assassin and Mr. Miyagi).  This is normal reserved for things you really, really enjoy.  Like stegosauruses they rock or my teddy bear Barnabas who also rocks... Moving on.

1 Throwing Star - Whatever it is doesn't piss you off it is just a little annoying.  Much like Linkin Park's newer album 1000 Suns.  They are okay but they still deserve a little pain for causing me to listen to their emo sh!t in between the good songs.  Another example would be jackals they clean up dead bodies really well.  But, they are kind of a yip yip dogs too, so throwing a pointy object at jackals normally gets them to shut up.  So to sum this up it annoys you but not unbearable, like the latest Predator movies.

 

2 Throwing Stars - This conjures up feels like the time you got that mosquito bite on your arm.  It itched it was annoying but you could deal with it.  What ever caused the annoyance you would like to make bleed.  Not gushing fountains of red vital but enough to let them know it f#$k up. This is kin to a neighbor, who you hate, and has two fat kids, unruly dogs and looks like they just rolled out of a twinky truck. Who wouldn't want to blast that with a throwing star? Answer: No one. Two throwing stars won't kill but maiming has its own rewards.

3 Throwing Stars - This one got under your skin.  Much like the person that hangs out with you in social setting but is horribly awkward.  Whatever it is has caused you discomfort and the only resort is some spinning sharp metal, three to be exact, too any part or orifice of the body.  This will probably cause whatever it is to go away maimed, curl up in a corner and die if you are lucky. This is also the rating I give to slow zombies, not the fast ones like in 28 days later.  The slow ones that walk at a snails pace and won't ever catch you unless you trip on your own shoe laces and sprain an ankle.  These guys aren't really a threat so they don't get lumped in with other faster zombies.

4 Throwing Stars - What ever it is it made you mad.  Red in the face, rapid breathing and blood pressure goes up.  Fight or flight instinct kicks in and you are all about the fight (Ninjas live for this!).  4 throwing stars is more than enough to kill your average person but not instantly.  You are going to enjoy the suffering of this sad creature while you gloat over its soon to be corps. Warning: 4 throwing stars is not enough to kill a dinosaur such as the Mastodon or Tyrannosaurus.  You must multiply the number of stars by 10 if you want to bring down a giant lizard.  But, for purposes of rating only use the 0-5 stars it gets far to complicated if you say, "I hate something 40 throwing stars," rather than saying, "I'd take 4 throwing stars to that dinosaur."

5 Throwing Stars - Whatever it is you want it f#cking dead and you want it dead now.  In the face, Boo ya!!1! It is a disgrace to humanity and/or the animal kingdom.  To give you an idea the directors to such movies as GI Joe (grrrr), The Hurt Locker (what fantasy war was that?), In the Name of the King (never actually saw it but it looked stupid as sh!t, what was Jason Statham thinking?) and people who add 'Esquire' on to the end of their name because they think it sounds cool. Yes they all deserve some well placed throwing stars to vital areas on the body.  Also, fast zombies, 'Why fast zombies?" unless you want to turn into one or become a snacky snack for the undead masses, get throwing.  These guys can run for a long time and quickly, they are ravenous (like fat people at golden corral) and they don't care what you are they want you dead (like politicians... this also might be a form of the undead but I am undecided at this point).

Female Ninja

False advertising

Decapitation by Kunoichi

I think we need to set the record straight about female ninja or Kunoichi i.e. woman who practices ninjitsu.  If you were to type that into the google machine and click images you would get some scantly clad hookers with swords in provocative positions.  This is just not accurate at all.  Female ninja/Kunoichi dress in appearance to male ninja (ninja have been equal opportunity for centuries, eat that affirmative action).  Sorry to all you anime jackoffs but they don't walk around in bikinis with their boobs all hanging out.  They are killing machines of death and they aren't to be F'd with.  In fact most men will have no shot with a Kunoichi at all.  If you do happen to find yourself with a Kunoichi DO NOT use a pick up line.  Your head will be separated from your shoulders and your soul will exit out of your neck along with gallons of arterial spray.  So don't be an idiot.  Your not going to impress your friends by hitting on her unless your idea of impressing some one is having your head chopped off and super soaking all the walls with your blood.  But, what am I talking about?

Accurate representation of a Kunoichi

You won't ever see a ninja male or female anyway unless you are a ninja.  I think this is just a simple case of false advertising getting the best of people.  That and some companies think if you tack the word 'ninja' in front of something it makes it better... Okay so the ninja blender is pretty rocking.  But other things just are crap.  Like anything labeled 'ninja sword' is probably a piece of shit metal, hammered into what some one thought was a cool design and sold on amazon.  Another is the 'ninja grappling hook', dude I haven't used a grappling hook since 1993.  I own walls fences and skyscrapers with my ninja awesomeness I don't need a shitty grappling hook to get over one of those things.  So, long story short you won't see a Kunoichi, if you do she will decapitate you and if by some miracle she doesn't you basically got to second base in ninja terms.  Lastly like your mother always told you don't date killing machines of death, so that means no ninja.

Awesome blender!