Zombie Survival Equipment part 1

Here are a few links and items I recommend everyone pick up if you intend to not become a human happy meal for the walking dead when they finally emerge. I have gone over weapons, team, and location selection.  But, never delved into what other tools you might need to survive the end of the world.  I will now correct this error.

Back Pack: other names, 3 Day assault pack, Bug out bag, my shoulder bitch.
This is an extremely important part of your apocalypse kit.  It will store a majority of your initial food and water along with your extra ammo and tools.  Make sure it has some form of load bearing straps on the outside so you can attach more items to it.  A water bladder isn't necessary but it is nice to have.

You don't want anything with bright colors the more subdued the better.

Tent: other names, shelter, homeless home, spank tank.
Being able to hold up for the night and stay dry is also a very important part of survival. I recommend one of these hammock tents.  They come in single person all the way to 6 person.  You can hang it high above the ground safely away from the zombie hordes. Besides this thing being super cool and awesomely ninja, you won't ever get stuck sleeping on rocks again.

It even comes with a rope ladder, how bitching is that!!!

Bear Mace: other names, Ahh Ahh my eyes are burning!!!
Now you could use this on bears or you could use it on a person you don't like when the undead horde is descending on your location to aid in your escape.  I leave that choice to you.  But, I know what I would do.

Shit burns like a mofo.

Emergancy medical kit: other names, that little pouch of life savers, IFAK
We want to keep things as light as possible.  Sure carrying a full EMT bag of goodies might be better but it is also heavier.  We want to keep things to a minimum and really nothing is going to help you if you break a bone or lose a limb.  So lets concentrate on the little things we can fix.  This little pouch of life saving goodness will do just that for you.  Take care of your scrapes and bruises and prevent any infections whenever possible.

This little guy will go a long way during the apocalypse.

Paintball Mask: other names, protective facial shielding unit.
Many might not have thought of this piece of equipment but it should never be overlooked.  If things get down and dirty and you have to use bunt force trauma against the living dead you want to protect your face from the arterial spray of the zombies.  Zombie blood may or may not turn you into a zombie.  But, do you really want to take that chance?  So cover up that mouth, nose, eyes and ears with this cool looking facial protection.

I own one of these and sometimes I wear it to the grocery store. People will look at you funny.

Manual Water Purification Device: other names, Life Savor, O thank god for this machine.
If there is one thing a human needs more than sex it is water. With one of these small portable devices you can purify almost every water source you come by.  Rain water may not be available and you never know if water supplies in large urban areas has been tainted by the necro walkers.  So don't take the chance will you water supplies whenever able.  Dying of thirst is no way to go.

They are expensive, but how much is your life really worth?

Hand Sanatizer: other names, Gimme some of that, bacteria executioner.
No one wandering the post apocalyptic wastes should be without this handy item.  Light and easily tucked away anywhere it comes in handy for many situations.  When the water stops running in urban areas and you can't bath or wash your hands.  This will be all that stands between survivors and the zombie pandemic.

Don't leave home without it.

Compass: other names, The where the hell are we going device.
Before GPS there was a time where people had to use other means of finding there way.  I bring to you the low tech no batteries required method of find your way around the undead overrun world.  The Compass!!! This little guy will tell you if you are going north, south, east or west and/or any point in between.  What you do with that knowledge I leave completely up to you.

I prefer the military style compass, just a recommendation not a requirement

Survival Knife: other names, My little friend named Sue, Stabby McStabberson, Metal Boner.
A good survival knife is so very useful.  From cleaning animals you are going to eat. To cutting small limbs from trees for a gillie suit.  This handy multipurpose tool will serve you will.  Make sure it has a good grade of steal for the blade and if it has a method of sharpening it that comes with it that is awesome.  Otherwise you will have to buy a whetstone as well.

Here is my little friend, he can sever the spine of an atelope in less than 3 seconds.

Hammer: other names, Swing smack splash, Blunt force trauma, Nail Driver.
The hammer is often overlooked in the big scheme of survival.  But, not by me. This useful tool will drive stakes into the ground.  Make access to locked away food supplies easier.  And is a handy weapon if all else fails and a Zed has snuck up on you for a midnight snack... on your juicy loins.  Smack him a few times in the head with this and your worries are over.  All around a great tool to hit the road with even if there isn't an apocalypse ongoing.

Modern day mace you can get at your local hardware store

Multitool: other names, Leatherman, Gerber, Finger nail puller, My everything tool.
Multitools are so very useful during any apocalypse.  They can be used to open cans of food to conducting low level surgeries.  It truly is the Swiss army knife of the 21st century.  And being that this is probably the last century before the ninja and zombies kill everything at least humans are going out with a bang.

Also an excellent tool if torturing information out of someone.

Laser Hair Removal: other names, Do you smell something burning?, Rubberband snapper.
So maybe this isn't something you can pack in your 3 Day Assault pack.  But, before the zombie pandemic breaks out you might want to consider getting this done.  And this is for both sexes.  You aren't going to get a chance to shave your legs, neck, chest, bikini line.  Just because the world has come to an end doesn't mean you have do neglect basic hygiene.  And lets face it guys if you ever want to get laid during the apocalypse not being a smelly hair wookie isn't going to hurt your chances... Just saying.

This guy increased his chances of sex by 28.7% during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Clean Underwear: other names, Tighty Whities, Boxers, Banana Hammock, panties, twig and berry basket.
So no one should start out it the world during the end of days without a clean pair of undies packed away.  You can tackle anything in life with a clean underwear on.  And if you do get bitten by a zombie at least you are starting things out in your zombie life in a clean pair of underwear.

Tomahawk: other names, Beat stick, My little friend Joey.
The tomahawk can be used as a close combat weapon or something to chop down trees.  This ax like tool is super versatile.  If you need something chopped there isn't a tool better than this guy.  And if you're a ninja you love things that can chop some one up.

Awesome Entrances

If you ever wondered what makes a hero a bad ass then it is definitely the 'Entrance'. This single act of just showing up truly is the difference maker on whether you are a hero or just another schmuck running around with some cool weapons.  Unfortunately at this point I was unable to find any video of epic entrances so you will just have to imagine them.  Some very epic entrances are like out of Ninja Assassin when Ryo gets done battling it out in the one chick's apartment and she decides she should listen to him or become diced mince meat.  He rises out of the shadows behind the dead ninja in epic fashion.  There are many others like in the 'Book of Eli' when Denzel shoots the kitty cat eating the dead body.  Harrison Ford in 'Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark' also an epic entrance.  Things that do not count as being an epic entrance. Peeing into a cup, yeah I am looking at you Kevin Costner.  Water World sucked and it sucked  even more when a line of urine is the first thing anyone sees in that movie.  Anything from 'Battlefield Earth', doesn't matter who it is entering the screen it was horrible. Let us not forget the movie '2012' wow the end of the world in cgi is kind of cool however no one had a cool entrance at all. 
Now that we have gone through what an epic entrances does and doesn't look like it is time to start helping you plan out how you will make your entrance.  First, do you have any cool skills or abilities that you can take advantage of ie. popping out of now where, invisibility, ability to fly, cool sword tricks, pet tigers, large fire arms, being a ninja, having zombie like tendencies or ability to faint on command (no fainting isn't cool or epic I just would like to see that so I can laugh at you when you hit the floor).  Once you have determined what your cool ability is then we can move on to choreographing your entrance. This may involve kicking a door in and spraying lead death everywhere with automatic weapons or simply walking in and turning off your invisibility.  Whatever it is you will need to practice it constantly.  The easiest way is to do your epic entrance everywhere you go until you have mastered it.  Yes if you are the gun wielding hero/heroin and your epic entrance is kicking in a door and blasting everyone in the room you do it no matter where you go, nursing homes, birthday parties, work or the local fat burger.  This may cause a large bill for ammo and a rather extensive body count but you will thank me later when you have one of the most epic entrances ever.
So home work for you is watch epic movie entrances, figure out what your cool special ability is and then choreograph your entrance and write it in the comments so I can steal it and use it as my own later. 

Hard Water Ninja #2

Looking at the mentality of being hard again lets look at how you would create a person that is hard.  I feel that people aren't born hard they are taught to be hard.  But, what happens if two hard people have a kid.  Lets say for example Clint Eastwood and Alice from Resident Evil.  Now I am not talking about old Gran Torino Clint but young virile Clint from the 1960s (see picture to right). Now for his female counter part Alice.  She is ass kicking goodness to the core.  She understand what it takes to survive and she has the skill set to do it, guns, knives, kickboxing and all the necessary instincts. Now there is the fact that Alice is infected by the T-Virus and all that stuff and as much as that sucks I am sure Clint has had a virus or two in his life and kicked the virus's ass so he won't be to worried about contracting it.  And lets face fact you can't create a hard baby if you rap your revolver.

I'm not going into the nuts and bolts of the process so we can just assume things worked out and they had a kid.  We will call him Logan if a boy and if a girl Athena.  Why Logan you ask, well it was the name of my favorite Marvel superhero Wolverine and it sound like a rough and tumble name. And for some reason I think both Alice and Clint would approve (this my scenario so I make the rules). Why Athena? Well she was pretty much a kick ass goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill.  So it would seem to be a great name for a girl in this scenario.  Although it will be hard to picture this creature of survival you can be assured that mommy and daddy will have taught him/her a few things.  These skills being how to use a gun, how to punch and kick, how not to suck at life, how to kill a zombie and what it takes to make it. So what would this child look like?  Here is my best guess of the Athena can't find a good enough representation of Logan but I will keep looking.

Hard Water Ninja

I inserted the word water into the title because I think people will get the wrong idea.  Something about 'hard ninja' Just screams ninja walking around with a boner.  Anyway, let us discuss what it is to be 'hard' and for you all playing the Ninja home game I am not talking about boners... I digress. The 'hard' I am talking about is the 'no shit fortitude' that no matter what 'throwing stars of death' life tosses your way you are going to make it.  If you have seen a Clint Eastwood movie pretty much every character he plays is 'hard'.  Now I am not saying everyone should go smoke 3 packs of cowboy killers a day and walk around talking in a low throaty voice like Clint. But take note, Clint is a bad ass.  The other type of hard is say, Alice from Resident Evil (seriously they should pay me moneys for pimping their movies, are you listening Constantin Film Produktion ?) Now this chick is hard, but in the way that, she has a 'never say die' attitude.  She presents it differently than Clint does. Clint: I'm a bad ass with years of ass kicking under my belt. Alice: I am hot chick who can kick your ass if you make me and look good doing it with a red dress and big black boots... don't be a zombie.  Here is the crux of the whole idea of being hard.  You have to have decided, way before the shit goes down, that you are going to make it.  You aren't going to cop out, break down and start crying about "Its over man!" *insert Bill Paxton voice here* or "I can't go any further". Screw that!  You are the type that is going to walk through a horde of the undead with a sledge hammer and make survival happen.  Not, hope and pray for someone to rescue you.  Note to all my readers, the sledge hammer is an excellent tool for zombie killing, it never runs out of bullets.  Sure you might loose a few team mates along the way, and that sucks balls.  But, you aren't going to stop and start balling your eyes out about it right then and there amid the ensuing slaughter of the apocalypse.  Being hard also means having a damn survival instinct.  Knowing when it is time to run for your life or start swinging a cricket bat at the problem. This is probably one of the best instincts to have and sadly I think too few people actually have that anymore.  So, I will give you a one question quiz just in case you are one of those people who isn't sure if they have a survival instinct.  To make it even easier it will be multiple choice. 

Question #1 You see a huge grizzly bear in front of you what do you do?
a. Play Dead
b. Yell really loud and pray a park ranger hears you before the grizzly mauls you to death
3. Run like your pants are on fire and see if you can make it far enough away that it won't want to maul you any more.
d. Pick up your trusty cricket bat and charge the bear screaming your war cry at the top of your lungs.
5. Except your fate, the Lion King taught you that this is the circle of life and being eat isn't as bad as some people make it out to be, shit happens.

Which one did you choose?
I'll even helped you out. There are two right answers to the question, A and D if you chose any of the odd ball numbers or the fact that park rangers are to busy trying to catch people growing pot in the forest to come help you... You have no survival instinct.  By the way the average running speed of a Grizzly is 30 mph, and to put that in perspective the fastest human on earth ran the 100m sprint only got up to 23.4 mph and we all know none of you out there are getting up to that speed and not for the distance necessary to out run a grizzly, end of story.
Why were those two answers correct you might ask.  Well playing dead has been shown to work and at least you won't die out of breath, ie grizzly bears can run at 25-30 mph for two miles on average this means if you are a biped you are dead.  So some might ask why is D a correct answer, no I wouldn't always suggest this and the reaction of the bear could go either way but at least you have a fighting spirit and you can take that to the bank (and grave) if the bear decides to stick around and go fists to cuffs with you and your cricket bat.  If not the bear is going to run away thinking the tiny biped that is screaming like a little girl and swinging a stick is probably rabid and bears don't like rabies.
To rap this whole mess up.  Being hard is making the decision that you are going to survive through any conflict no matter what.  I repeat "no matter what."  Yes it will be difficult.  But, you have decided to grab your balls or ovaries and man/woman up and get through it.  Watching a few zombie and ninja movies will probably help you to.

When the sh!t goes down Ninja

Probably shocking to most readers of my blog, I actually read books at certain times of the year or if the subject interests me.  My latest read has been by an award winning writer known as Forrest Griffin (by award winning I mean he was the Light Heavy Weight UFC Champion) called "Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down".  First I would like to preface with, this book is not for kids or anyone under the age of 16.  Neither is it for anyone on a hallucinogenic drugs. The humor is crude his language is vile and God bless him it is awesome.  The book is especially ninjatastic (see I made that word up by myself). You have to realize Forrest takes regular beatings to the cranium. Knowing this, the fact that he doesn't have massive brain damage and can create coherent sentences is amazing...  Well, after reading the book you may conclude that there was some damage done but he makes it work, and his grammar is better than mine, so maybe this means I should take some head pounding and see if it fixes things up stairs.  Back to the book, it is a step by step process in which Forrest explains to you why he will survive an apocalypse and the things you will need to traverse this horrific new world and why other people will inevitably die.  There are people that won't like this book and I doubt any of them read my ridiculous blog.  But, for everyone else (and if you are reading this, that is you) this book is guaranteed to make you laugh and ask yourself one simple question "What is mentally wrong with Forrest?"  He goes through most of the basic apocalypse scenarios and hits up a few I hadn't thought of such as 'Giant Spider Apocalypse.'  Truly scary to imagine.  Now, do I think this book will help save your life when the apocalypse happens?  Let me answer that this way. If you believing in God it doesn't hurt you to think that there is one and he is doing his thing so you better be a good person. If you are following my thought patten, visa via, it doesn't hurt you to read this book and try to glean ideas on how to survive the end of the world.  do I think we all should strap on our favorite loin cloths (and you all have one... be honest) and start running around practicing for the end of the world *deep breath* hell ya.  However, I get the feeling the local PD will be chasing after my jolly ass faster than you can say, "Holy sh!t Ninja gone crazy!" But, needless to say I am defiantly giving this book 4.5 throwing stars out of 5 (which is the feeling you get somewhere between nun chucking your arch rival and bloody katana slaughter).  And if anyone wants to know how the throwing star book rating system works please keep read and remember 'you asked for it.'

1 Throwing Star - This is a mighty piece of crap, barely deserves the job as a coaster or door jam.  In fact, just light it on fire that is probably the best use for this book anyway. If it was a human I would decapitate and tea bag he/she out of sheer principle (no that isn't necrophilia either you sick bastards, it is just is what it is... that was a cop out)

2 Throwing Stars - This is much like when you had to read Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye in High School.  You found some perverse enjoyment but no true joy in reading.  It does bring you to anger but something inside says "It could have been much worse"  Like that time in prison... Forget I said that.

3 Throwing Stars - This is the kind of enjoyment you get from slashing some asshole's tires.  There is a moment of "Hell ya!" and than an instant later "Sh!t I hope no one saw me."  Although normal people get that feeling ninja do not. Simply because we are never seen slashing tires.  We are such experts you could be standing right by your car and never once notice the ninja going hibachi chef on your wheels.

4 Throwing Stars -  This book should conjure up memories of the first time you nun chucked some one in the face.  How fun was that?  If you don't know, go up to the person you like the least pull nun chucks out of your back pack slap them across the face once and walk away.  You'll notice as you walk away that you are smiling and that is how this book should make you feel.

5 Throwing Stars -  This is like full on decapitation enjoyment.  Living in the glorious gore of the moment continuously.  Much like orgasmic explosive release but with a ninjato sword and less blood... I mean more blood... F#%* forget the blood and just take my word for it this book rocks!

*The Ninja*

Ninja Minds #1

I am going to start a new section in my blog called "Ninja Minds".  Basically this will give you insight into what a ninja is thinking during everyday circumstances.  Please note, I do not recommend you take the actions I do or attempt to duplicate the results I have seen.  Just a disclaimer and for your own safety.  So lets kick things off with this mind bending scenario.

Asshat driver

You are driving down a 3 lane highway and you notice a black ford mustang bobbing and weaving through traffic behind you.  He is odiously speeding and liberally applying his assholeness to the other drivers.  What do you do?

I wonder if anyone actually reads this sign?

a. Get to the far right lane and pray he gets around you as quickly as possible.

how to block anyone from passing

b. Find two other cars going relatively the same speed in the other two lanes and pace them forcing this guy to slow down.  He than slowly starts going insane because he can't get around you starts slipping in and out of lanes trying to get one of you to sped up so he can get around the rest.  You smile in enjoyment as he slams his fist on his steering wheel and screams profanities at you all.  You can't really tell what he is saying because you are looking through your rear view mirror and everything is backwards so it just looks like he is saying "apple sauce"  many times in a row. 

Yes this use to be a mustang

c.  As he is driving by you wipe out your ninjato roll down your window and slice one of his tires.  He than starts spinning out of control careening into the guard rail and all manor of tragedy ensues.  Mostly involving el douche bag's mustang being torn into little pieces at high speeds.

d.  Keep driving don't make eye contact memorize his license plate and call the police about an aggressive driver in a Mustang Florida license plate. 

So which answer did you choose?  We allow me to explain why whatever you choose was wrong.

I beleve this is a "Come at me bro" scenario

First, I don't care if some one is speeding just don't be a dick about it.  Blinkerless lane changes and turning the highway into your own personal NASCAR track isn't how it's done.  Also if you are speeding, smile, it goes a long way to say "Yes I am speeding but I'm not angry and its an enjoyable thing right now." 

Ginger needs to keep his blood pressure down

Snake Eyes.... enough said

Now to get to the answer to this situation.  What you really should do is set your cruise control roll down your window climb onto the roof of your vehicle as he passes by you jump onto his using your ninjato to pierce through his roof and give you a good hand hold.  He will start to panic and swerve about erratically (especially if your sword has pierce him as well as the roof).  You will then use your ninjato to open the roof of the car like a can of sardines  Please not that if there is a sun roof this is not necessary just smash that in and enter the vehicle.  After his is accomplished gingerly slip into the passenger seat.  You will then lecture said asshat for no less than 67 seconds on his stupid behavior.  After you have reach your minimum time you will the take your ninjato and cut off both his thumbs.  You will then exit the car and say something like, "and your getting off pretty easy, I could have done a Raymond on you" this will leave him with a puzzled look that will take away from the fact he has no thumbs. You will then leap back on your passing vehicle and take control of it again. 

That pretty much sums up what you need to do in that situation.  If you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment I o read them all.  Also if there is a situation in your life that you would like me to solve for you or give you options feel free to leave it in the comments and I will see what I can work up.