Segway Ninja

First, don't let the title fool you ninjas do not need Segways.  Segways can't climb up walls, swing through windows or be used to decapitate humans.  So with that in mind, a ninja just doesn't have a need for a segway.  However, I'd like to take a moment of silence for the passing of the inventor of the segway who perished 2ish years ago during a freak segway accident.  http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/09/27/owner-segway-company-dies-driving-famous-scooter-cliff/?test=faces Apparently Jimi Heselden was riding a new cross country version of the segway on a mountain path and for some reason plummeted off a cliff to his death.  *Moment of silence* Okay done with that.
Exactly what the hell is a cross country segway?  Why would some one who doesn't even like to walk (hence the segway) want a cross country segway that will take them to places they probably have no business or desire to go.  Personally if I want to go for a hike, I'll strap on a pair of shoes and go.  I'm not going to put on my 'hiking socks' jump on my cross country segway and ride my jolly ass around the mountains, no sir.  But, this has inspired me to release my new re-invention to the world that I call 'Feet'.  That's right, almost everyone has two of them and for a low low price of free you can use these babies all day to go places, do things, and generally any locomotion you might need.  I guess that is why we were given them at birth.  Now I am all about forward thinking and inventions/gadgetry but with the obesity epidemic ever growing in the world, why would some one need one of these segways other than to be even more lazy? 

Which brings me to my last point, remember what rule 1 was in Zombieland?  Cardio.  Well, this also applies to not only zombies but ninjas.  Being opportunistic killers we will probably go after the fatties first.  Why? you ask.  Well its easier to throwing star someone in the neck that is a stationary target rather than a moving target.  So naturally a sedentary fatty is a great couple warm up shots before moving on to the real prey.  If you think jumping on a segway is some how going to save you and that you will ride away from a ninja and escape his/her death clutches, please think again.  Your average segway moves at 12.5 mph a ninja in comparison moves at the speed of a hungry cheetah.  So in any case you are toast.  Also segways only have a range of 24 miles.  While a ninja doesn't need to sleep and can run a distance of a million dead bodies laid head to foot.  Which is about 1104.8 miles.
I hope we have all learned a valuble lesson from this.  But, I'll be damned if I know what it was.