When the sh!t goes down Ninja

Probably shocking to most readers of my blog, I actually read books at certain times of the year or if the subject interests me.  My latest read has been by an award winning writer known as Forrest Griffin (by award winning I mean he was the Light Heavy Weight UFC Champion) called "Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down".  First I would like to preface with, this book is not for kids or anyone under the age of 16.  Neither is it for anyone on a hallucinogenic drugs. The humor is crude his language is vile and God bless him it is awesome.  The book is especially ninjatastic (see I made that word up by myself). You have to realize Forrest takes regular beatings to the cranium. Knowing this, the fact that he doesn't have massive brain damage and can create coherent sentences is amazing...  Well, after reading the book you may conclude that there was some damage done but he makes it work, and his grammar is better than mine, so maybe this means I should take some head pounding and see if it fixes things up stairs.  Back to the book, it is a step by step process in which Forrest explains to you why he will survive an apocalypse and the things you will need to traverse this horrific new world and why other people will inevitably die.  There are people that won't like this book and I doubt any of them read my ridiculous blog.  But, for everyone else (and if you are reading this, that is you) this book is guaranteed to make you laugh and ask yourself one simple question "What is mentally wrong with Forrest?"  He goes through most of the basic apocalypse scenarios and hits up a few I hadn't thought of such as 'Giant Spider Apocalypse.'  Truly scary to imagine.  Now, do I think this book will help save your life when the apocalypse happens?  Let me answer that this way. If you believing in God it doesn't hurt you to think that there is one and he is doing his thing so you better be a good person. If you are following my thought patten, visa via, it doesn't hurt you to read this book and try to glean ideas on how to survive the end of the world.  do I think we all should strap on our favorite loin cloths (and you all have one... be honest) and start running around practicing for the end of the world *deep breath* hell ya.  However, I get the feeling the local PD will be chasing after my jolly ass faster than you can say, "Holy sh!t Ninja gone crazy!" But, needless to say I am defiantly giving this book 4.5 throwing stars out of 5 (which is the feeling you get somewhere between nun chucking your arch rival and bloody katana slaughter).  And if anyone wants to know how the throwing star book rating system works please keep read and remember 'you asked for it.'

1 Throwing Star - This is a mighty piece of crap, barely deserves the job as a coaster or door jam.  In fact, just light it on fire that is probably the best use for this book anyway. If it was a human I would decapitate and tea bag he/she out of sheer principle (no that isn't necrophilia either you sick bastards, it is just is what it is... that was a cop out)

2 Throwing Stars - This is much like when you had to read Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye in High School.  You found some perverse enjoyment but no true joy in reading.  It does bring you to anger but something inside says "It could have been much worse"  Like that time in prison... Forget I said that.

3 Throwing Stars - This is the kind of enjoyment you get from slashing some asshole's tires.  There is a moment of "Hell ya!" and than an instant later "Sh!t I hope no one saw me."  Although normal people get that feeling ninja do not. Simply because we are never seen slashing tires.  We are such experts you could be standing right by your car and never once notice the ninja going hibachi chef on your wheels.

4 Throwing Stars -  This book should conjure up memories of the first time you nun chucked some one in the face.  How fun was that?  If you don't know, go up to the person you like the least pull nun chucks out of your back pack slap them across the face once and walk away.  You'll notice as you walk away that you are smiling and that is how this book should make you feel.

5 Throwing Stars -  This is like full on decapitation enjoyment.  Living in the glorious gore of the moment continuously.  Much like orgasmic explosive release but with a ninjato sword and less blood... I mean more blood... F#%* forget the blood and just take my word for it this book rocks!

*The Ninja*

Ninja Minds #1

I am going to start a new section in my blog called "Ninja Minds".  Basically this will give you insight into what a ninja is thinking during everyday circumstances.  Please note, I do not recommend you take the actions I do or attempt to duplicate the results I have seen.  Just a disclaimer and for your own safety.  So lets kick things off with this mind bending scenario.

Asshat driver

You are driving down a 3 lane highway and you notice a black ford mustang bobbing and weaving through traffic behind you.  He is odiously speeding and liberally applying his assholeness to the other drivers.  What do you do?

I wonder if anyone actually reads this sign?

a. Get to the far right lane and pray he gets around you as quickly as possible.

how to block anyone from passing

b. Find two other cars going relatively the same speed in the other two lanes and pace them forcing this guy to slow down.  He than slowly starts going insane because he can't get around you starts slipping in and out of lanes trying to get one of you to sped up so he can get around the rest.  You smile in enjoyment as he slams his fist on his steering wheel and screams profanities at you all.  You can't really tell what he is saying because you are looking through your rear view mirror and everything is backwards so it just looks like he is saying "apple sauce"  many times in a row. 

Yes this use to be a mustang

c.  As he is driving by you wipe out your ninjato roll down your window and slice one of his tires.  He than starts spinning out of control careening into the guard rail and all manor of tragedy ensues.  Mostly involving el douche bag's mustang being torn into little pieces at high speeds.

d.  Keep driving don't make eye contact memorize his license plate and call the police about an aggressive driver in a Mustang Florida license plate. 

So which answer did you choose?  We allow me to explain why whatever you choose was wrong.

I beleve this is a "Come at me bro" scenario

First, I don't care if some one is speeding just don't be a dick about it.  Blinkerless lane changes and turning the highway into your own personal NASCAR track isn't how it's done.  Also if you are speeding, smile, it goes a long way to say "Yes I am speeding but I'm not angry and its an enjoyable thing right now." 

Ginger needs to keep his blood pressure down

Snake Eyes.... enough said

Now to get to the answer to this situation.  What you really should do is set your cruise control roll down your window climb onto the roof of your vehicle as he passes by you jump onto his using your ninjato to pierce through his roof and give you a good hand hold.  He will start to panic and swerve about erratically (especially if your sword has pierce him as well as the roof).  You will then use your ninjato to open the roof of the car like a can of sardines  Please not that if there is a sun roof this is not necessary just smash that in and enter the vehicle.  After his is accomplished gingerly slip into the passenger seat.  You will then lecture said asshat for no less than 67 seconds on his stupid behavior.  After you have reach your minimum time you will the take your ninjato and cut off both his thumbs.  You will then exit the car and say something like, "and your getting off pretty easy, I could have done a Raymond on you" this will leave him with a puzzled look that will take away from the fact he has no thumbs. You will then leap back on your passing vehicle and take control of it again. 

That pretty much sums up what you need to do in that situation.  If you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment I o read them all.  Also if there is a situation in your life that you would like me to solve for you or give you options feel free to leave it in the comments and I will see what I can work up.