Zombie Survival Equipment part 1

Here are a few links and items I recommend everyone pick up if you intend to not become a human happy meal for the walking dead when they finally emerge. I have gone over weapons, team, and location selection.  But, never delved into what other tools you might need to survive the end of the world.  I will now correct this error.

Back Pack: other names, 3 Day assault pack, Bug out bag, my shoulder bitch.
This is an extremely important part of your apocalypse kit.  It will store a majority of your initial food and water along with your extra ammo and tools.  Make sure it has some form of load bearing straps on the outside so you can attach more items to it.  A water bladder isn't necessary but it is nice to have.

You don't want anything with bright colors the more subdued the better.

Tent: other names, shelter, homeless home, spank tank.
Being able to hold up for the night and stay dry is also a very important part of survival. I recommend one of these hammock tents.  They come in single person all the way to 6 person.  You can hang it high above the ground safely away from the zombie hordes. Besides this thing being super cool and awesomely ninja, you won't ever get stuck sleeping on rocks again.

It even comes with a rope ladder, how bitching is that!!!

Bear Mace: other names, Ahh Ahh my eyes are burning!!!
Now you could use this on bears or you could use it on a person you don't like when the undead horde is descending on your location to aid in your escape.  I leave that choice to you.  But, I know what I would do.

Shit burns like a mofo.

Emergancy medical kit: other names, that little pouch of life savers, IFAK
We want to keep things as light as possible.  Sure carrying a full EMT bag of goodies might be better but it is also heavier.  We want to keep things to a minimum and really nothing is going to help you if you break a bone or lose a limb.  So lets concentrate on the little things we can fix.  This little pouch of life saving goodness will do just that for you.  Take care of your scrapes and bruises and prevent any infections whenever possible.

This little guy will go a long way during the apocalypse.

Paintball Mask: other names, protective facial shielding unit.
Many might not have thought of this piece of equipment but it should never be overlooked.  If things get down and dirty and you have to use bunt force trauma against the living dead you want to protect your face from the arterial spray of the zombies.  Zombie blood may or may not turn you into a zombie.  But, do you really want to take that chance?  So cover up that mouth, nose, eyes and ears with this cool looking facial protection.

I own one of these and sometimes I wear it to the grocery store. People will look at you funny.

Manual Water Purification Device: other names, Life Savor, O thank god for this machine.
If there is one thing a human needs more than sex it is water. With one of these small portable devices you can purify almost every water source you come by.  Rain water may not be available and you never know if water supplies in large urban areas has been tainted by the necro walkers.  So don't take the chance will you water supplies whenever able.  Dying of thirst is no way to go.

They are expensive, but how much is your life really worth?

Hand Sanatizer: other names, Gimme some of that, bacteria executioner.
No one wandering the post apocalyptic wastes should be without this handy item.  Light and easily tucked away anywhere it comes in handy for many situations.  When the water stops running in urban areas and you can't bath or wash your hands.  This will be all that stands between survivors and the zombie pandemic.

Don't leave home without it.

Compass: other names, The where the hell are we going device.
Before GPS there was a time where people had to use other means of finding there way.  I bring to you the low tech no batteries required method of find your way around the undead overrun world.  The Compass!!! This little guy will tell you if you are going north, south, east or west and/or any point in between.  What you do with that knowledge I leave completely up to you.

I prefer the military style compass, just a recommendation not a requirement

Survival Knife: other names, My little friend named Sue, Stabby McStabberson, Metal Boner.
A good survival knife is so very useful.  From cleaning animals you are going to eat. To cutting small limbs from trees for a gillie suit.  This handy multipurpose tool will serve you will.  Make sure it has a good grade of steal for the blade and if it has a method of sharpening it that comes with it that is awesome.  Otherwise you will have to buy a whetstone as well.

Here is my little friend, he can sever the spine of an atelope in less than 3 seconds.

Hammer: other names, Swing smack splash, Blunt force trauma, Nail Driver.
The hammer is often overlooked in the big scheme of survival.  But, not by me. This useful tool will drive stakes into the ground.  Make access to locked away food supplies easier.  And is a handy weapon if all else fails and a Zed has snuck up on you for a midnight snack... on your juicy loins.  Smack him a few times in the head with this and your worries are over.  All around a great tool to hit the road with even if there isn't an apocalypse ongoing.

Modern day mace you can get at your local hardware store

Multitool: other names, Leatherman, Gerber, Finger nail puller, My everything tool.
Multitools are so very useful during any apocalypse.  They can be used to open cans of food to conducting low level surgeries.  It truly is the Swiss army knife of the 21st century.  And being that this is probably the last century before the ninja and zombies kill everything at least humans are going out with a bang.

Also an excellent tool if torturing information out of someone.

Laser Hair Removal: other names, Do you smell something burning?, Rubberband snapper.
So maybe this isn't something you can pack in your 3 Day Assault pack.  But, before the zombie pandemic breaks out you might want to consider getting this done.  And this is for both sexes.  You aren't going to get a chance to shave your legs, neck, chest, bikini line.  Just because the world has come to an end doesn't mean you have do neglect basic hygiene.  And lets face it guys if you ever want to get laid during the apocalypse not being a smelly hair wookie isn't going to hurt your chances... Just saying.

This guy increased his chances of sex by 28.7% during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Clean Underwear: other names, Tighty Whities, Boxers, Banana Hammock, panties, twig and berry basket.
So no one should start out it the world during the end of days without a clean pair of undies packed away.  You can tackle anything in life with a clean underwear on.  And if you do get bitten by a zombie at least you are starting things out in your zombie life in a clean pair of underwear.

Tomahawk: other names, Beat stick, My little friend Joey.
The tomahawk can be used as a close combat weapon or something to chop down trees.  This ax like tool is super versatile.  If you need something chopped there isn't a tool better than this guy.  And if you're a ninja you love things that can chop some one up.

When the sh!t goes down Ninja

Probably shocking to most readers of my blog, I actually read books at certain times of the year or if the subject interests me.  My latest read has been by an award winning writer known as Forrest Griffin (by award winning I mean he was the Light Heavy Weight UFC Champion) called "Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down".  First I would like to preface with, this book is not for kids or anyone under the age of 16.  Neither is it for anyone on a hallucinogenic drugs. The humor is crude his language is vile and God bless him it is awesome.  The book is especially ninjatastic (see I made that word up by myself). You have to realize Forrest takes regular beatings to the cranium. Knowing this, the fact that he doesn't have massive brain damage and can create coherent sentences is amazing...  Well, after reading the book you may conclude that there was some damage done but he makes it work, and his grammar is better than mine, so maybe this means I should take some head pounding and see if it fixes things up stairs.  Back to the book, it is a step by step process in which Forrest explains to you why he will survive an apocalypse and the things you will need to traverse this horrific new world and why other people will inevitably die.  There are people that won't like this book and I doubt any of them read my ridiculous blog.  But, for everyone else (and if you are reading this, that is you) this book is guaranteed to make you laugh and ask yourself one simple question "What is mentally wrong with Forrest?"  He goes through most of the basic apocalypse scenarios and hits up a few I hadn't thought of such as 'Giant Spider Apocalypse.'  Truly scary to imagine.  Now, do I think this book will help save your life when the apocalypse happens?  Let me answer that this way. If you believing in God it doesn't hurt you to think that there is one and he is doing his thing so you better be a good person. If you are following my thought patten, visa via, it doesn't hurt you to read this book and try to glean ideas on how to survive the end of the world.  do I think we all should strap on our favorite loin cloths (and you all have one... be honest) and start running around practicing for the end of the world *deep breath* hell ya.  However, I get the feeling the local PD will be chasing after my jolly ass faster than you can say, "Holy sh!t Ninja gone crazy!" But, needless to say I am defiantly giving this book 4.5 throwing stars out of 5 (which is the feeling you get somewhere between nun chucking your arch rival and bloody katana slaughter).  And if anyone wants to know how the throwing star book rating system works please keep read and remember 'you asked for it.'

1 Throwing Star - This is a mighty piece of crap, barely deserves the job as a coaster or door jam.  In fact, just light it on fire that is probably the best use for this book anyway. If it was a human I would decapitate and tea bag he/she out of sheer principle (no that isn't necrophilia either you sick bastards, it is just is what it is... that was a cop out)

2 Throwing Stars - This is much like when you had to read Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye in High School.  You found some perverse enjoyment but no true joy in reading.  It does bring you to anger but something inside says "It could have been much worse"  Like that time in prison... Forget I said that.

3 Throwing Stars - This is the kind of enjoyment you get from slashing some asshole's tires.  There is a moment of "Hell ya!" and than an instant later "Sh!t I hope no one saw me."  Although normal people get that feeling ninja do not. Simply because we are never seen slashing tires.  We are such experts you could be standing right by your car and never once notice the ninja going hibachi chef on your wheels.

4 Throwing Stars -  This book should conjure up memories of the first time you nun chucked some one in the face.  How fun was that?  If you don't know, go up to the person you like the least pull nun chucks out of your back pack slap them across the face once and walk away.  You'll notice as you walk away that you are smiling and that is how this book should make you feel.

5 Throwing Stars -  This is like full on decapitation enjoyment.  Living in the glorious gore of the moment continuously.  Much like orgasmic explosive release but with a ninjato sword and less blood... I mean more blood... F#%* forget the blood and just take my word for it this book rocks!

*The Ninja*