People Rating System for Ninjas

Booya Snakeyes Bitches!!!

In my past blog entry I introduced a rating system for books and would like to hash out another one for everyone. Just so later on we can all be clear when I start saying person/thing is awesome (look everyone I can spell it right now) or if whatever is a sh!t bomb.
The new rating system I would like to introduce is another throwing star based system.  Unlike my last one I introduced.  This one is based around the lower the number of stars the more we like something. Scoring will be between 0 (which is good) and 5 (which is very bad... bad like castration bad). This rating system can be used when ranking people, animals, teddy bears, music, dinosaurs and movie directors that raped my youth (I am looking at you Stephen Sommers 'GI Joe: Rise of Cobra' was blasphemy). So here it is.

0 Throwing Stars - This means that you wouldn't throwing star what ever that thing is.  You enjoy said object and you have something resembling affection for it (ninjas rarely use the word Love, we reserve that for sharp pointy things, the movie Ninja Assassin and Mr. Miyagi).  This is normal reserved for things you really, really enjoy.  Like stegosauruses they rock or my teddy bear Barnabas who also rocks... Moving on.

1 Throwing Star - Whatever it is doesn't piss you off it is just a little annoying.  Much like Linkin Park's newer album 1000 Suns.  They are okay but they still deserve a little pain for causing me to listen to their emo sh!t in between the good songs.  Another example would be jackals they clean up dead bodies really well.  But, they are kind of a yip yip dogs too, so throwing a pointy object at jackals normally gets them to shut up.  So to sum this up it annoys you but not unbearable, like the latest Predator movies.

 

2 Throwing Stars - This conjures up feels like the time you got that mosquito bite on your arm.  It itched it was annoying but you could deal with it.  What ever caused the annoyance you would like to make bleed.  Not gushing fountains of red vital but enough to let them know it f#$k up. This is kin to a neighbor, who you hate, and has two fat kids, unruly dogs and looks like they just rolled out of a twinky truck. Who wouldn't want to blast that with a throwing star? Answer: No one. Two throwing stars won't kill but maiming has its own rewards.

3 Throwing Stars - This one got under your skin.  Much like the person that hangs out with you in social setting but is horribly awkward.  Whatever it is has caused you discomfort and the only resort is some spinning sharp metal, three to be exact, too any part or orifice of the body.  This will probably cause whatever it is to go away maimed, curl up in a corner and die if you are lucky. This is also the rating I give to slow zombies, not the fast ones like in 28 days later.  The slow ones that walk at a snails pace and won't ever catch you unless you trip on your own shoe laces and sprain an ankle.  These guys aren't really a threat so they don't get lumped in with other faster zombies.

4 Throwing Stars - What ever it is it made you mad.  Red in the face, rapid breathing and blood pressure goes up.  Fight or flight instinct kicks in and you are all about the fight (Ninjas live for this!).  4 throwing stars is more than enough to kill your average person but not instantly.  You are going to enjoy the suffering of this sad creature while you gloat over its soon to be corps. Warning: 4 throwing stars is not enough to kill a dinosaur such as the Mastodon or Tyrannosaurus.  You must multiply the number of stars by 10 if you want to bring down a giant lizard.  But, for purposes of rating only use the 0-5 stars it gets far to complicated if you say, "I hate something 40 throwing stars," rather than saying, "I'd take 4 throwing stars to that dinosaur."

5 Throwing Stars - Whatever it is you want it f#cking dead and you want it dead now.  In the face, Boo ya!!1! It is a disgrace to humanity and/or the animal kingdom.  To give you an idea the directors to such movies as GI Joe (grrrr), The Hurt Locker (what fantasy war was that?), In the Name of the King (never actually saw it but it looked stupid as sh!t, what was Jason Statham thinking?) and people who add 'Esquire' on to the end of their name because they think it sounds cool. Yes they all deserve some well placed throwing stars to vital areas on the body.  Also, fast zombies, 'Why fast zombies?" unless you want to turn into one or become a snacky snack for the undead masses, get throwing.  These guys can run for a long time and quickly, they are ravenous (like fat people at golden corral) and they don't care what you are they want you dead (like politicians... this also might be a form of the undead but I am undecided at this point).

Female Ninja

False advertising

Decapitation by Kunoichi

I think we need to set the record straight about female ninja or Kunoichi i.e. woman who practices ninjitsu.  If you were to type that into the google machine and click images you would get some scantly clad hookers with swords in provocative positions.  This is just not accurate at all.  Female ninja/Kunoichi dress in appearance to male ninja (ninja have been equal opportunity for centuries, eat that affirmative action).  Sorry to all you anime jackoffs but they don't walk around in bikinis with their boobs all hanging out.  They are killing machines of death and they aren't to be F'd with.  In fact most men will have no shot with a Kunoichi at all.  If you do happen to find yourself with a Kunoichi DO NOT use a pick up line.  Your head will be separated from your shoulders and your soul will exit out of your neck along with gallons of arterial spray.  So don't be an idiot.  Your not going to impress your friends by hitting on her unless your idea of impressing some one is having your head chopped off and super soaking all the walls with your blood.  But, what am I talking about?

Accurate representation of a Kunoichi

You won't ever see a ninja male or female anyway unless you are a ninja.  I think this is just a simple case of false advertising getting the best of people.  That and some companies think if you tack the word 'ninja' in front of something it makes it better... Okay so the ninja blender is pretty rocking.  But other things just are crap.  Like anything labeled 'ninja sword' is probably a piece of shit metal, hammered into what some one thought was a cool design and sold on amazon.  Another is the 'ninja grappling hook', dude I haven't used a grappling hook since 1993.  I own walls fences and skyscrapers with my ninja awesomeness I don't need a shitty grappling hook to get over one of those things.  So, long story short you won't see a Kunoichi, if you do she will decapitate you and if by some miracle she doesn't you basically got to second base in ninja terms.  Lastly like your mother always told you don't date killing machines of death, so that means no ninja.

Awesome blender!

When the sh!t goes down Ninja

Probably shocking to most readers of my blog, I actually read books at certain times of the year or if the subject interests me.  My latest read has been by an award winning writer known as Forrest Griffin (by award winning I mean he was the Light Heavy Weight UFC Champion) called "Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down".  First I would like to preface with, this book is not for kids or anyone under the age of 16.  Neither is it for anyone on a hallucinogenic drugs. The humor is crude his language is vile and God bless him it is awesome.  The book is especially ninjatastic (see I made that word up by myself). You have to realize Forrest takes regular beatings to the cranium. Knowing this, the fact that he doesn't have massive brain damage and can create coherent sentences is amazing...  Well, after reading the book you may conclude that there was some damage done but he makes it work, and his grammar is better than mine, so maybe this means I should take some head pounding and see if it fixes things up stairs.  Back to the book, it is a step by step process in which Forrest explains to you why he will survive an apocalypse and the things you will need to traverse this horrific new world and why other people will inevitably die.  There are people that won't like this book and I doubt any of them read my ridiculous blog.  But, for everyone else (and if you are reading this, that is you) this book is guaranteed to make you laugh and ask yourself one simple question "What is mentally wrong with Forrest?"  He goes through most of the basic apocalypse scenarios and hits up a few I hadn't thought of such as 'Giant Spider Apocalypse.'  Truly scary to imagine.  Now, do I think this book will help save your life when the apocalypse happens?  Let me answer that this way. If you believing in God it doesn't hurt you to think that there is one and he is doing his thing so you better be a good person. If you are following my thought patten, visa via, it doesn't hurt you to read this book and try to glean ideas on how to survive the end of the world.  do I think we all should strap on our favorite loin cloths (and you all have one... be honest) and start running around practicing for the end of the world *deep breath* hell ya.  However, I get the feeling the local PD will be chasing after my jolly ass faster than you can say, "Holy sh!t Ninja gone crazy!" But, needless to say I am defiantly giving this book 4.5 throwing stars out of 5 (which is the feeling you get somewhere between nun chucking your arch rival and bloody katana slaughter).  And if anyone wants to know how the throwing star book rating system works please keep read and remember 'you asked for it.'

1 Throwing Star - This is a mighty piece of crap, barely deserves the job as a coaster or door jam.  In fact, just light it on fire that is probably the best use for this book anyway. If it was a human I would decapitate and tea bag he/she out of sheer principle (no that isn't necrophilia either you sick bastards, it is just is what it is... that was a cop out)

2 Throwing Stars - This is much like when you had to read Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye in High School.  You found some perverse enjoyment but no true joy in reading.  It does bring you to anger but something inside says "It could have been much worse"  Like that time in prison... Forget I said that.

3 Throwing Stars - This is the kind of enjoyment you get from slashing some asshole's tires.  There is a moment of "Hell ya!" and than an instant later "Sh!t I hope no one saw me."  Although normal people get that feeling ninja do not. Simply because we are never seen slashing tires.  We are such experts you could be standing right by your car and never once notice the ninja going hibachi chef on your wheels.

4 Throwing Stars -  This book should conjure up memories of the first time you nun chucked some one in the face.  How fun was that?  If you don't know, go up to the person you like the least pull nun chucks out of your back pack slap them across the face once and walk away.  You'll notice as you walk away that you are smiling and that is how this book should make you feel.

5 Throwing Stars -  This is like full on decapitation enjoyment.  Living in the glorious gore of the moment continuously.  Much like orgasmic explosive release but with a ninjato sword and less blood... I mean more blood... F#%* forget the blood and just take my word for it this book rocks!

*The Ninja*

Ninja Minds #1

I am going to start a new section in my blog called "Ninja Minds".  Basically this will give you insight into what a ninja is thinking during everyday circumstances.  Please note, I do not recommend you take the actions I do or attempt to duplicate the results I have seen.  Just a disclaimer and for your own safety.  So lets kick things off with this mind bending scenario.

Asshat driver

You are driving down a 3 lane highway and you notice a black ford mustang bobbing and weaving through traffic behind you.  He is odiously speeding and liberally applying his assholeness to the other drivers.  What do you do?

I wonder if anyone actually reads this sign?

a. Get to the far right lane and pray he gets around you as quickly as possible.

how to block anyone from passing

b. Find two other cars going relatively the same speed in the other two lanes and pace them forcing this guy to slow down.  He than slowly starts going insane because he can't get around you starts slipping in and out of lanes trying to get one of you to sped up so he can get around the rest.  You smile in enjoyment as he slams his fist on his steering wheel and screams profanities at you all.  You can't really tell what he is saying because you are looking through your rear view mirror and everything is backwards so it just looks like he is saying "apple sauce"  many times in a row. 

Yes this use to be a mustang

c.  As he is driving by you wipe out your ninjato roll down your window and slice one of his tires.  He than starts spinning out of control careening into the guard rail and all manor of tragedy ensues.  Mostly involving el douche bag's mustang being torn into little pieces at high speeds.

d.  Keep driving don't make eye contact memorize his license plate and call the police about an aggressive driver in a Mustang Florida license plate. 

So which answer did you choose?  We allow me to explain why whatever you choose was wrong.

I beleve this is a "Come at me bro" scenario

First, I don't care if some one is speeding just don't be a dick about it.  Blinkerless lane changes and turning the highway into your own personal NASCAR track isn't how it's done.  Also if you are speeding, smile, it goes a long way to say "Yes I am speeding but I'm not angry and its an enjoyable thing right now." 

Ginger needs to keep his blood pressure down

Snake Eyes.... enough said

Now to get to the answer to this situation.  What you really should do is set your cruise control roll down your window climb onto the roof of your vehicle as he passes by you jump onto his using your ninjato to pierce through his roof and give you a good hand hold.  He will start to panic and swerve about erratically (especially if your sword has pierce him as well as the roof).  You will then use your ninjato to open the roof of the car like a can of sardines  Please not that if there is a sun roof this is not necessary just smash that in and enter the vehicle.  After his is accomplished gingerly slip into the passenger seat.  You will then lecture said asshat for no less than 67 seconds on his stupid behavior.  After you have reach your minimum time you will the take your ninjato and cut off both his thumbs.  You will then exit the car and say something like, "and your getting off pretty easy, I could have done a Raymond on you" this will leave him with a puzzled look that will take away from the fact he has no thumbs. You will then leap back on your passing vehicle and take control of it again. 

That pretty much sums up what you need to do in that situation.  If you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment I o read them all.  Also if there is a situation in your life that you would like me to solve for you or give you options feel free to leave it in the comments and I will see what I can work up.