Things that make a Ninja say "Whooh"

When you step back and take a look at life what really makes a ninja cock his/her head to one side and go "WTF mate!"  I mean after a day of decapitation and dismemberment what could possibly shock a ninja?  Well, whether it be shocking or humorous I have created a list of a few things.

Man, legos sure have changed since I was a kid

This is so made up, the arterial bleeding is no where near this bad

LOL, at what point do you think this guy figured out it was a bad idea?

If I ever find this person I will sever his head from his shoulders and place this on my mantel

So, not a good parent when you are taking a picture of your kid being eating by a fucking carnivorous camel

His shoe fell of no biggy, I mean other than his foot still being in it

Holy Fuck! Alligator has ups yo

Anytime I can add a picture that has dinosaurs with lasers is win.

Delicate Sensibilities Ninja

Funny and apparently offensive

Most days I ask myself the same question "What the fuck is wrong with people?"  I mean really if you get offended by every damn thing all day long how do you ever accomplish anything?  Say someone makes a joke. And you turn into "Polly Pissy Pants" about it (see t-shirt for gist of said joke).  Its not the question about what is wrong with that person for telling the joke.  More so it is the question of how did you get this far in life with such thin skin?  Also trying to flee to the moral high ground on a joke being in bad taste is a cop out.  Come with a reason why and not because you feel like it was. 
Feelings are temporary, some days I feel like stabbing someone in the eye with a jagged piece of rusted metal and some days I feel like rainbows and butterflies.  Feel your way out of this situation and come up with a valid argument.  Oh and please don't just go straight to "your an idiot"  name calling is always the last defense of the weak minded (Somebody smart once said that and I can't remember who it was).  If you aren't quick to be able to come up with some valid arguments all hope isn't lost.  Just tell them your still formulating your thoughts.  I mean fuck, no body expects you to be an amazing debater.  But when you open your mouth please try to make it more than shit spilling into the sewer. 
If everything in life offends you.  Your offended about how your treated.  How others view you.  How some people think we evolved from apes.  How every time Tebow does something kind of good he Tebows.  How fat people have to pay for 2 seats on an airplane.  You probably dress like a snob or look dirty.  You probably never smile and people think you are just depressed all the time.  You probably are intolerant of others ideas and have no respect or understanding for what they think.  You probably think Tebow isn't a quarterback and that he takes his religion to far.  Your probably fat and had to pay for that extra seat and you smell like Cheetos.
If you think everyone around you has a problem.  Guess what?  They do and you are their problem.  Maybe you have daddy and mommy issues.  Maybe you were picked on in middle school.  Maybe you never once had any self confidence instilled in you.  This is not my fucking problem.  It is yours and you have the ability to fix it.  If you want to.





I have noticed that some people like playing the victim.  They would like to blame some outside force for why they are a certain way.  A wise man once said "It's not what happens to you that determines your life; it is how you handle what happens to you. "~Zig Ziglar. People have to let themselves become victims.  Which leads me back to my starting point.  If you get easily offended what you are basically saying is "I feel like I am being attacked and I am a victim of your insensitivity".  Know this ass clown I am neither attacking you nor victimizing you.  You are making it feel that way.  Stop making yourself a victim no one will pay more attention to you, or less, if you do this.

Vin = Self Confidence... You have to with goggles like that.

Don't judge a ninja by his cover

New age of hair metal!

So it has been sometime since I last had my mind vomit words into a blog like format and place it online for the plebeians of the world to enjoy and share.  Well that wonderful time has come to an end because here it is folks in all its ear bleeding glory.  If I were to wear some normal non-ninja cloths around this wonderful town you probably wouldn't give me a second look.  Which come to think of it sounds like a great way to sneak up on my prey and chop his/her head off (I say his/her because frankly with all the emo kids I am hired to kill I can rarely tell the difference anymore).  Also, if anyone comments on my horrific grammar, you are the next to die and yes I know where your domicile is.  To get back on topic if you saw me walking down the street the only thing that might make you take a second look is possibly one of two things.  My incredible good looks (like a chiseled geek god bitches!) or the my ninjato in which I take everywhere.  Needless to say you probably wouldn't judge me all that much, unless you hate my Steel Panther shirt and for that I say "They are hilarious stop taking it seriously.... swear words, swear words el fin".

Bad life decision

Correct use of needles and tubing

She is going to need a tetanus shot

Continuing on, I admit I judge people the instant my eye holes perceive that there is a person in front of me.  Is this right or anything like that, I am not sure.  I do think many people do this.  We judge people by the way they look and perhaps we should more so judge people by the way they act.  Do they open doors for people, do they help old ladies across the street, do they attempt to decapitate some one for merely brushing their red velvet jack in the wrong direction (he'll never make that mistake again).  Actions far out way a person's appearance.  Just because some one has a tattoo does instantly make them a member of the Hell's Angels biking association. Although if they have a barbwire tattoo I will assume that you have a GED and that when you received that tattoo you were under the affects of several intravenous drugs.  Sorry but, nothing says take me back to my trailer like a barbwire tattoo.  Least we forget that intravenous drugs are nasty sticking a needle into yourself for pleasure sounds like the most sadistic shit ever.  If your not sticking that needle into yourself to pump some life saving fluids into your deflating carcase WTF mate!!1!  But I digress, I frankly think when we start judging people we are indirectly forcing our values, standards and morals onto a person.  I am pretty sure this is a bad thing but the jury is still out in my brain.  I really don't care if some one is straight, gay or likes to have sex with aliens.  As long as they aren't trying to probe me with their skin katana (ie penis for those playing the home game) or some other alien anal probing device I don't give a shit.  Live the life you feel suits you best. Now am I saying if your life is one that mercilessly oppresses everyone around you that is okay... No. You are going to have to make some lifestyle changes bub. 

They look pretty oppressed to me... but they
save so much money on makeup.

My point is live your life and don't try to convert everyone around you to your moral standards.  If it is better than people will see that and emulate you.  I am not here to be converted to whatever it is you think is right (I'm talking to any of the religions that want to come to my front door and tell me about what I am missing).  To quote a very insightful animated person "I like me" Caboose.  So if you like you don't change, if you are a self loathing piece of shit maybe a little change is a good thing.  If you judge people, welcome to America get use to it.  But remember the person you are judging could, for the right price, come in the middle of the night and take your head like a trophy to hang on his/her mantel like one of those stupid company golf trophy... what a pieces of junk I hate that thing. *stares angrily at the fireplace*

Survival of the Fittest Ninja

If you didn't know that these gasses
are bad for you I suggest you experiment

Don't think of it as smog think of it as
happy butterflies in the form of toxic death

As I walked out to my car this morning (yes I have a car I can't portal through the shadows... I wish).  I noticed my fatty neighbors had there garage door slightly cracked.  Than I realized that there was a SUV inside there garage pumping toxic fumes out.  I don't know what fucked up education they got but when I was in ninja primary school they fucking taught us warm air rises. Hardly any of the invisible killing gases were escaping out their barely cracked garage door.  If this is modern survival of the fittest than so be it.  Or maybe I should call it the survival of the not as idiotic as those people.  How do people make it through their daily lives being this stupid?  It baffles the shit out of me on a daily basis.  For me I tend to wonder how many other people are out there that shouldn't be alive.  I am pretty sure cavemen/women didn't have to put up with this shit. 

May I introduce our cast of cavemen

"What happened to Grog?"- Caveman 1
"Oh he walked in front of a rampaging herd of mammoth."- Caveman 2
"Man that is some good news that dude was a complete moron." - Caveman 3

The last few seconds of Grog's meaningless life

What a shit movie

This is how I imagine the world 20,000 years ago.  I bet those cavemen were literally relieved when someone got mauled to death when they tried to pet the saber tooth kitty.  There was no room back then for ignoramuses bringing down the tribe.  And you know what has changed since then?  Not a damn thing!  If you are bringing down the proverbial tribe.  Please do us all a favor and get your nuts fixed or tubes tied.  We don't need another generation of idiots running around.  We have that already and look at where it got us huge debt, idiots running our country and more idiots trying to get elected to run the country.  All because someone probably warned a caveman to get out of the way of a rampaging woolly mammoth.  Thanks for that dick!  Sure at the time someone might have said "Why didn't you help Grog?" if that person hadn't warned the idiot.  But, taking a little heat at that time would save us all alot of heart ache now.

Zombie Survival Equipment part 1

Here are a few links and items I recommend everyone pick up if you intend to not become a human happy meal for the walking dead when they finally emerge. I have gone over weapons, team, and location selection.  But, never delved into what other tools you might need to survive the end of the world.  I will now correct this error.

Back Pack: other names, 3 Day assault pack, Bug out bag, my shoulder bitch.
This is an extremely important part of your apocalypse kit.  It will store a majority of your initial food and water along with your extra ammo and tools.  Make sure it has some form of load bearing straps on the outside so you can attach more items to it.  A water bladder isn't necessary but it is nice to have.

You don't want anything with bright colors the more subdued the better.

Tent: other names, shelter, homeless home, spank tank.
Being able to hold up for the night and stay dry is also a very important part of survival. I recommend one of these hammock tents.  They come in single person all the way to 6 person.  You can hang it high above the ground safely away from the zombie hordes. Besides this thing being super cool and awesomely ninja, you won't ever get stuck sleeping on rocks again.

It even comes with a rope ladder, how bitching is that!!!

Bear Mace: other names, Ahh Ahh my eyes are burning!!!
Now you could use this on bears or you could use it on a person you don't like when the undead horde is descending on your location to aid in your escape.  I leave that choice to you.  But, I know what I would do.

Shit burns like a mofo.

Emergancy medical kit: other names, that little pouch of life savers, IFAK
We want to keep things as light as possible.  Sure carrying a full EMT bag of goodies might be better but it is also heavier.  We want to keep things to a minimum and really nothing is going to help you if you break a bone or lose a limb.  So lets concentrate on the little things we can fix.  This little pouch of life saving goodness will do just that for you.  Take care of your scrapes and bruises and prevent any infections whenever possible.

This little guy will go a long way during the apocalypse.

Paintball Mask: other names, protective facial shielding unit.
Many might not have thought of this piece of equipment but it should never be overlooked.  If things get down and dirty and you have to use bunt force trauma against the living dead you want to protect your face from the arterial spray of the zombies.  Zombie blood may or may not turn you into a zombie.  But, do you really want to take that chance?  So cover up that mouth, nose, eyes and ears with this cool looking facial protection.

I own one of these and sometimes I wear it to the grocery store. People will look at you funny.

Manual Water Purification Device: other names, Life Savor, O thank god for this machine.
If there is one thing a human needs more than sex it is water. With one of these small portable devices you can purify almost every water source you come by.  Rain water may not be available and you never know if water supplies in large urban areas has been tainted by the necro walkers.  So don't take the chance will you water supplies whenever able.  Dying of thirst is no way to go.

They are expensive, but how much is your life really worth?

Hand Sanatizer: other names, Gimme some of that, bacteria executioner.
No one wandering the post apocalyptic wastes should be without this handy item.  Light and easily tucked away anywhere it comes in handy for many situations.  When the water stops running in urban areas and you can't bath or wash your hands.  This will be all that stands between survivors and the zombie pandemic.

Don't leave home without it.

Compass: other names, The where the hell are we going device.
Before GPS there was a time where people had to use other means of finding there way.  I bring to you the low tech no batteries required method of find your way around the undead overrun world.  The Compass!!! This little guy will tell you if you are going north, south, east or west and/or any point in between.  What you do with that knowledge I leave completely up to you.

I prefer the military style compass, just a recommendation not a requirement

Survival Knife: other names, My little friend named Sue, Stabby McStabberson, Metal Boner.
A good survival knife is so very useful.  From cleaning animals you are going to eat. To cutting small limbs from trees for a gillie suit.  This handy multipurpose tool will serve you will.  Make sure it has a good grade of steal for the blade and if it has a method of sharpening it that comes with it that is awesome.  Otherwise you will have to buy a whetstone as well.

Here is my little friend, he can sever the spine of an atelope in less than 3 seconds.

Hammer: other names, Swing smack splash, Blunt force trauma, Nail Driver.
The hammer is often overlooked in the big scheme of survival.  But, not by me. This useful tool will drive stakes into the ground.  Make access to locked away food supplies easier.  And is a handy weapon if all else fails and a Zed has snuck up on you for a midnight snack... on your juicy loins.  Smack him a few times in the head with this and your worries are over.  All around a great tool to hit the road with even if there isn't an apocalypse ongoing.

Modern day mace you can get at your local hardware store

Multitool: other names, Leatherman, Gerber, Finger nail puller, My everything tool.
Multitools are so very useful during any apocalypse.  They can be used to open cans of food to conducting low level surgeries.  It truly is the Swiss army knife of the 21st century.  And being that this is probably the last century before the ninja and zombies kill everything at least humans are going out with a bang.

Also an excellent tool if torturing information out of someone.

Laser Hair Removal: other names, Do you smell something burning?, Rubberband snapper.
So maybe this isn't something you can pack in your 3 Day Assault pack.  But, before the zombie pandemic breaks out you might want to consider getting this done.  And this is for both sexes.  You aren't going to get a chance to shave your legs, neck, chest, bikini line.  Just because the world has come to an end doesn't mean you have do neglect basic hygiene.  And lets face it guys if you ever want to get laid during the apocalypse not being a smelly hair wookie isn't going to hurt your chances... Just saying.

This guy increased his chances of sex by 28.7% during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Clean Underwear: other names, Tighty Whities, Boxers, Banana Hammock, panties, twig and berry basket.
So no one should start out it the world during the end of days without a clean pair of undies packed away.  You can tackle anything in life with a clean underwear on.  And if you do get bitten by a zombie at least you are starting things out in your zombie life in a clean pair of underwear.

Tomahawk: other names, Beat stick, My little friend Joey.
The tomahawk can be used as a close combat weapon or something to chop down trees.  This ax like tool is super versatile.  If you need something chopped there isn't a tool better than this guy.  And if you're a ninja you love things that can chop some one up.

Awesome Entrances

If you ever wondered what makes a hero a bad ass then it is definitely the 'Entrance'. This single act of just showing up truly is the difference maker on whether you are a hero or just another schmuck running around with some cool weapons.  Unfortunately at this point I was unable to find any video of epic entrances so you will just have to imagine them.  Some very epic entrances are like out of Ninja Assassin when Ryo gets done battling it out in the one chick's apartment and she decides she should listen to him or become diced mince meat.  He rises out of the shadows behind the dead ninja in epic fashion.  There are many others like in the 'Book of Eli' when Denzel shoots the kitty cat eating the dead body.  Harrison Ford in 'Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark' also an epic entrance.  Things that do not count as being an epic entrance. Peeing into a cup, yeah I am looking at you Kevin Costner.  Water World sucked and it sucked  even more when a line of urine is the first thing anyone sees in that movie.  Anything from 'Battlefield Earth', doesn't matter who it is entering the screen it was horrible. Let us not forget the movie '2012' wow the end of the world in cgi is kind of cool however no one had a cool entrance at all. 
Now that we have gone through what an epic entrances does and doesn't look like it is time to start helping you plan out how you will make your entrance.  First, do you have any cool skills or abilities that you can take advantage of ie. popping out of now where, invisibility, ability to fly, cool sword tricks, pet tigers, large fire arms, being a ninja, having zombie like tendencies or ability to faint on command (no fainting isn't cool or epic I just would like to see that so I can laugh at you when you hit the floor).  Once you have determined what your cool ability is then we can move on to choreographing your entrance. This may involve kicking a door in and spraying lead death everywhere with automatic weapons or simply walking in and turning off your invisibility.  Whatever it is you will need to practice it constantly.  The easiest way is to do your epic entrance everywhere you go until you have mastered it.  Yes if you are the gun wielding hero/heroin and your epic entrance is kicking in a door and blasting everyone in the room you do it no matter where you go, nursing homes, birthday parties, work or the local fat burger.  This may cause a large bill for ammo and a rather extensive body count but you will thank me later when you have one of the most epic entrances ever.
So home work for you is watch epic movie entrances, figure out what your cool special ability is and then choreograph your entrance and write it in the comments so I can steal it and use it as my own later. 

Hard Water Ninja #2

Looking at the mentality of being hard again lets look at how you would create a person that is hard.  I feel that people aren't born hard they are taught to be hard.  But, what happens if two hard people have a kid.  Lets say for example Clint Eastwood and Alice from Resident Evil.  Now I am not talking about old Gran Torino Clint but young virile Clint from the 1960s (see picture to right). Now for his female counter part Alice.  She is ass kicking goodness to the core.  She understand what it takes to survive and she has the skill set to do it, guns, knives, kickboxing and all the necessary instincts. Now there is the fact that Alice is infected by the T-Virus and all that stuff and as much as that sucks I am sure Clint has had a virus or two in his life and kicked the virus's ass so he won't be to worried about contracting it.  And lets face fact you can't create a hard baby if you rap your revolver.

I'm not going into the nuts and bolts of the process so we can just assume things worked out and they had a kid.  We will call him Logan if a boy and if a girl Athena.  Why Logan you ask, well it was the name of my favorite Marvel superhero Wolverine and it sound like a rough and tumble name. And for some reason I think both Alice and Clint would approve (this my scenario so I make the rules). Why Athena? Well she was pretty much a kick ass goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill.  So it would seem to be a great name for a girl in this scenario.  Although it will be hard to picture this creature of survival you can be assured that mommy and daddy will have taught him/her a few things.  These skills being how to use a gun, how to punch and kick, how not to suck at life, how to kill a zombie and what it takes to make it. So what would this child look like?  Here is my best guess of the Athena can't find a good enough representation of Logan but I will keep looking.