Zombie Survival Equipment part 1

Here are a few links and items I recommend everyone pick up if you intend to not become a human happy meal for the walking dead when they finally emerge. I have gone over weapons, team, and location selection.  But, never delved into what other tools you might need to survive the end of the world.  I will now correct this error.

Back Pack: other names, 3 Day assault pack, Bug out bag, my shoulder bitch.
This is an extremely important part of your apocalypse kit.  It will store a majority of your initial food and water along with your extra ammo and tools.  Make sure it has some form of load bearing straps on the outside so you can attach more items to it.  A water bladder isn't necessary but it is nice to have.

You don't want anything with bright colors the more subdued the better.

Tent: other names, shelter, homeless home, spank tank.
Being able to hold up for the night and stay dry is also a very important part of survival. I recommend one of these hammock tents.  They come in single person all the way to 6 person.  You can hang it high above the ground safely away from the zombie hordes. Besides this thing being super cool and awesomely ninja, you won't ever get stuck sleeping on rocks again.

It even comes with a rope ladder, how bitching is that!!!

Bear Mace: other names, Ahh Ahh my eyes are burning!!!
Now you could use this on bears or you could use it on a person you don't like when the undead horde is descending on your location to aid in your escape.  I leave that choice to you.  But, I know what I would do.

Shit burns like a mofo.

Emergancy medical kit: other names, that little pouch of life savers, IFAK
We want to keep things as light as possible.  Sure carrying a full EMT bag of goodies might be better but it is also heavier.  We want to keep things to a minimum and really nothing is going to help you if you break a bone or lose a limb.  So lets concentrate on the little things we can fix.  This little pouch of life saving goodness will do just that for you.  Take care of your scrapes and bruises and prevent any infections whenever possible.

This little guy will go a long way during the apocalypse.

Paintball Mask: other names, protective facial shielding unit.
Many might not have thought of this piece of equipment but it should never be overlooked.  If things get down and dirty and you have to use bunt force trauma against the living dead you want to protect your face from the arterial spray of the zombies.  Zombie blood may or may not turn you into a zombie.  But, do you really want to take that chance?  So cover up that mouth, nose, eyes and ears with this cool looking facial protection.

I own one of these and sometimes I wear it to the grocery store. People will look at you funny.

Manual Water Purification Device: other names, Life Savor, O thank god for this machine.
If there is one thing a human needs more than sex it is water. With one of these small portable devices you can purify almost every water source you come by.  Rain water may not be available and you never know if water supplies in large urban areas has been tainted by the necro walkers.  So don't take the chance will you water supplies whenever able.  Dying of thirst is no way to go.

They are expensive, but how much is your life really worth?

Hand Sanatizer: other names, Gimme some of that, bacteria executioner.
No one wandering the post apocalyptic wastes should be without this handy item.  Light and easily tucked away anywhere it comes in handy for many situations.  When the water stops running in urban areas and you can't bath or wash your hands.  This will be all that stands between survivors and the zombie pandemic.

Don't leave home without it.

Compass: other names, The where the hell are we going device.
Before GPS there was a time where people had to use other means of finding there way.  I bring to you the low tech no batteries required method of find your way around the undead overrun world.  The Compass!!! This little guy will tell you if you are going north, south, east or west and/or any point in between.  What you do with that knowledge I leave completely up to you.

I prefer the military style compass, just a recommendation not a requirement

Survival Knife: other names, My little friend named Sue, Stabby McStabberson, Metal Boner.
A good survival knife is so very useful.  From cleaning animals you are going to eat. To cutting small limbs from trees for a gillie suit.  This handy multipurpose tool will serve you will.  Make sure it has a good grade of steal for the blade and if it has a method of sharpening it that comes with it that is awesome.  Otherwise you will have to buy a whetstone as well.

Here is my little friend, he can sever the spine of an atelope in less than 3 seconds.

Hammer: other names, Swing smack splash, Blunt force trauma, Nail Driver.
The hammer is often overlooked in the big scheme of survival.  But, not by me. This useful tool will drive stakes into the ground.  Make access to locked away food supplies easier.  And is a handy weapon if all else fails and a Zed has snuck up on you for a midnight snack... on your juicy loins.  Smack him a few times in the head with this and your worries are over.  All around a great tool to hit the road with even if there isn't an apocalypse ongoing.

Modern day mace you can get at your local hardware store

Multitool: other names, Leatherman, Gerber, Finger nail puller, My everything tool.
Multitools are so very useful during any apocalypse.  They can be used to open cans of food to conducting low level surgeries.  It truly is the Swiss army knife of the 21st century.  And being that this is probably the last century before the ninja and zombies kill everything at least humans are going out with a bang.

Also an excellent tool if torturing information out of someone.

Laser Hair Removal: other names, Do you smell something burning?, Rubberband snapper.
So maybe this isn't something you can pack in your 3 Day Assault pack.  But, before the zombie pandemic breaks out you might want to consider getting this done.  And this is for both sexes.  You aren't going to get a chance to shave your legs, neck, chest, bikini line.  Just because the world has come to an end doesn't mean you have do neglect basic hygiene.  And lets face it guys if you ever want to get laid during the apocalypse not being a smelly hair wookie isn't going to hurt your chances... Just saying.

This guy increased his chances of sex by 28.7% during the Zombie Apocalypse.

Clean Underwear: other names, Tighty Whities, Boxers, Banana Hammock, panties, twig and berry basket.
So no one should start out it the world during the end of days without a clean pair of undies packed away.  You can tackle anything in life with a clean underwear on.  And if you do get bitten by a zombie at least you are starting things out in your zombie life in a clean pair of underwear.

Tomahawk: other names, Beat stick, My little friend Joey.
The tomahawk can be used as a close combat weapon or something to chop down trees.  This ax like tool is super versatile.  If you need something chopped there isn't a tool better than this guy.  And if you're a ninja you love things that can chop some one up.

Awesome Entrances

If you ever wondered what makes a hero a bad ass then it is definitely the 'Entrance'. This single act of just showing up truly is the difference maker on whether you are a hero or just another schmuck running around with some cool weapons.  Unfortunately at this point I was unable to find any video of epic entrances so you will just have to imagine them.  Some very epic entrances are like out of Ninja Assassin when Ryo gets done battling it out in the one chick's apartment and she decides she should listen to him or become diced mince meat.  He rises out of the shadows behind the dead ninja in epic fashion.  There are many others like in the 'Book of Eli' when Denzel shoots the kitty cat eating the dead body.  Harrison Ford in 'Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark' also an epic entrance.  Things that do not count as being an epic entrance. Peeing into a cup, yeah I am looking at you Kevin Costner.  Water World sucked and it sucked  even more when a line of urine is the first thing anyone sees in that movie.  Anything from 'Battlefield Earth', doesn't matter who it is entering the screen it was horrible. Let us not forget the movie '2012' wow the end of the world in cgi is kind of cool however no one had a cool entrance at all. 
Now that we have gone through what an epic entrances does and doesn't look like it is time to start helping you plan out how you will make your entrance.  First, do you have any cool skills or abilities that you can take advantage of ie. popping out of now where, invisibility, ability to fly, cool sword tricks, pet tigers, large fire arms, being a ninja, having zombie like tendencies or ability to faint on command (no fainting isn't cool or epic I just would like to see that so I can laugh at you when you hit the floor).  Once you have determined what your cool ability is then we can move on to choreographing your entrance. This may involve kicking a door in and spraying lead death everywhere with automatic weapons or simply walking in and turning off your invisibility.  Whatever it is you will need to practice it constantly.  The easiest way is to do your epic entrance everywhere you go until you have mastered it.  Yes if you are the gun wielding hero/heroin and your epic entrance is kicking in a door and blasting everyone in the room you do it no matter where you go, nursing homes, birthday parties, work or the local fat burger.  This may cause a large bill for ammo and a rather extensive body count but you will thank me later when you have one of the most epic entrances ever.
So home work for you is watch epic movie entrances, figure out what your cool special ability is and then choreograph your entrance and write it in the comments so I can steal it and use it as my own later. 

Hard Water Ninja #2

Looking at the mentality of being hard again lets look at how you would create a person that is hard.  I feel that people aren't born hard they are taught to be hard.  But, what happens if two hard people have a kid.  Lets say for example Clint Eastwood and Alice from Resident Evil.  Now I am not talking about old Gran Torino Clint but young virile Clint from the 1960s (see picture to right). Now for his female counter part Alice.  She is ass kicking goodness to the core.  She understand what it takes to survive and she has the skill set to do it, guns, knives, kickboxing and all the necessary instincts. Now there is the fact that Alice is infected by the T-Virus and all that stuff and as much as that sucks I am sure Clint has had a virus or two in his life and kicked the virus's ass so he won't be to worried about contracting it.  And lets face fact you can't create a hard baby if you rap your revolver.

I'm not going into the nuts and bolts of the process so we can just assume things worked out and they had a kid.  We will call him Logan if a boy and if a girl Athena.  Why Logan you ask, well it was the name of my favorite Marvel superhero Wolverine and it sound like a rough and tumble name. And for some reason I think both Alice and Clint would approve (this my scenario so I make the rules). Why Athena? Well she was pretty much a kick ass goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill.  So it would seem to be a great name for a girl in this scenario.  Although it will be hard to picture this creature of survival you can be assured that mommy and daddy will have taught him/her a few things.  These skills being how to use a gun, how to punch and kick, how not to suck at life, how to kill a zombie and what it takes to make it. So what would this child look like?  Here is my best guess of the Athena can't find a good enough representation of Logan but I will keep looking.

Hard Water Ninja

I inserted the word water into the title because I think people will get the wrong idea.  Something about 'hard ninja' Just screams ninja walking around with a boner.  Anyway, let us discuss what it is to be 'hard' and for you all playing the Ninja home game I am not talking about boners... I digress. The 'hard' I am talking about is the 'no shit fortitude' that no matter what 'throwing stars of death' life tosses your way you are going to make it.  If you have seen a Clint Eastwood movie pretty much every character he plays is 'hard'.  Now I am not saying everyone should go smoke 3 packs of cowboy killers a day and walk around talking in a low throaty voice like Clint. But take note, Clint is a bad ass.  The other type of hard is say, Alice from Resident Evil (seriously they should pay me moneys for pimping their movies, are you listening Constantin Film Produktion ?) Now this chick is hard, but in the way that, she has a 'never say die' attitude.  She presents it differently than Clint does. Clint: I'm a bad ass with years of ass kicking under my belt. Alice: I am hot chick who can kick your ass if you make me and look good doing it with a red dress and big black boots... don't be a zombie.  Here is the crux of the whole idea of being hard.  You have to have decided, way before the shit goes down, that you are going to make it.  You aren't going to cop out, break down and start crying about "Its over man!" *insert Bill Paxton voice here* or "I can't go any further". Screw that!  You are the type that is going to walk through a horde of the undead with a sledge hammer and make survival happen.  Not, hope and pray for someone to rescue you.  Note to all my readers, the sledge hammer is an excellent tool for zombie killing, it never runs out of bullets.  Sure you might loose a few team mates along the way, and that sucks balls.  But, you aren't going to stop and start balling your eyes out about it right then and there amid the ensuing slaughter of the apocalypse.  Being hard also means having a damn survival instinct.  Knowing when it is time to run for your life or start swinging a cricket bat at the problem. This is probably one of the best instincts to have and sadly I think too few people actually have that anymore.  So, I will give you a one question quiz just in case you are one of those people who isn't sure if they have a survival instinct.  To make it even easier it will be multiple choice. 

Question #1 You see a huge grizzly bear in front of you what do you do?
a. Play Dead
b. Yell really loud and pray a park ranger hears you before the grizzly mauls you to death
3. Run like your pants are on fire and see if you can make it far enough away that it won't want to maul you any more.
d. Pick up your trusty cricket bat and charge the bear screaming your war cry at the top of your lungs.
5. Except your fate, the Lion King taught you that this is the circle of life and being eat isn't as bad as some people make it out to be, shit happens.

Which one did you choose?
I'll even helped you out. There are two right answers to the question, A and D if you chose any of the odd ball numbers or the fact that park rangers are to busy trying to catch people growing pot in the forest to come help you... You have no survival instinct.  By the way the average running speed of a Grizzly is 30 mph, and to put that in perspective the fastest human on earth ran the 100m sprint only got up to 23.4 mph and we all know none of you out there are getting up to that speed and not for the distance necessary to out run a grizzly, end of story.
Why were those two answers correct you might ask.  Well playing dead has been shown to work and at least you won't die out of breath, ie grizzly bears can run at 25-30 mph for two miles on average this means if you are a biped you are dead.  So some might ask why is D a correct answer, no I wouldn't always suggest this and the reaction of the bear could go either way but at least you have a fighting spirit and you can take that to the bank (and grave) if the bear decides to stick around and go fists to cuffs with you and your cricket bat.  If not the bear is going to run away thinking the tiny biped that is screaming like a little girl and swinging a stick is probably rabid and bears don't like rabies.
To rap this whole mess up.  Being hard is making the decision that you are going to survive through any conflict no matter what.  I repeat "no matter what."  Yes it will be difficult.  But, you have decided to grab your balls or ovaries and man/woman up and get through it.  Watching a few zombie and ninja movies will probably help you to.

Segway Ninja

First, don't let the title fool you ninjas do not need Segways.  Segways can't climb up walls, swing through windows or be used to decapitate humans.  So with that in mind, a ninja just doesn't have a need for a segway.  However, I'd like to take a moment of silence for the passing of the inventor of the segway who perished 2ish years ago during a freak segway accident.  http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/09/27/owner-segway-company-dies-driving-famous-scooter-cliff/?test=faces Apparently Jimi Heselden was riding a new cross country version of the segway on a mountain path and for some reason plummeted off a cliff to his death.  *Moment of silence* Okay done with that.
Exactly what the hell is a cross country segway?  Why would some one who doesn't even like to walk (hence the segway) want a cross country segway that will take them to places they probably have no business or desire to go.  Personally if I want to go for a hike, I'll strap on a pair of shoes and go.  I'm not going to put on my 'hiking socks' jump on my cross country segway and ride my jolly ass around the mountains, no sir.  But, this has inspired me to release my new re-invention to the world that I call 'Feet'.  That's right, almost everyone has two of them and for a low low price of free you can use these babies all day to go places, do things, and generally any locomotion you might need.  I guess that is why we were given them at birth.  Now I am all about forward thinking and inventions/gadgetry but with the obesity epidemic ever growing in the world, why would some one need one of these segways other than to be even more lazy? 

Which brings me to my last point, remember what rule 1 was in Zombieland?  Cardio.  Well, this also applies to not only zombies but ninjas.  Being opportunistic killers we will probably go after the fatties first.  Why? you ask.  Well its easier to throwing star someone in the neck that is a stationary target rather than a moving target.  So naturally a sedentary fatty is a great couple warm up shots before moving on to the real prey.  If you think jumping on a segway is some how going to save you and that you will ride away from a ninja and escape his/her death clutches, please think again.  Your average segway moves at 12.5 mph a ninja in comparison moves at the speed of a hungry cheetah.  So in any case you are toast.  Also segways only have a range of 24 miles.  While a ninja doesn't need to sleep and can run a distance of a million dead bodies laid head to foot.  Which is about 1104.8 miles.
I hope we have all learned a valuble lesson from this.  But, I'll be damned if I know what it was.

Food Ninja

So instead of ranting about the news, religion and sanity all going to the crapper.  Today I would like to discuss food and rules for eating a Ninja approved diet. 

First off, if you look at the Ninja you will notice he isn't carrying any bread just fruits and veggies.  This should be a clue to the normal human that maybe if ninja are not eating bread that means people shouldn't be either.  So we can than deduce
Rule 1: If ninja don't eat bread and cereal grains regular humans should not eat them either.  If you are interested in the why you shouldn't I personally won't go into it but you can check information out here http://www.thepaleodiet.com/  www.marksdailyapple.com/   http://robbwolf.com/

We can also come to a conclusion from this picture,
Rule 2: Eat your fruits and veggies, its what ninjas do and if you don't want to die to a throwing star to the face, eat veggies!  I think this rule is self explanatory but if not see link above for more details. 

Now this might not be extremely obvious from the picture but since Ninja are blood thirsty creatures of death we know they eat meat.  Seriously how long do you think a vegan ninja would last?  About 2 shakes of a nunchuck and that ain't long.  So remember eat your meats or end up like the first vegan ninja, dead.
Rule 3: Eat meat (fish, beef, pork and birds) or die a horrible death.

So now we come to the final rule. If you are eating your fruits, veggies and meats there is one last thing you will need, fats.  Sounds odd doesn't it but fat burns twice as good as carbs for an energy source and since a ninja needs as much energy as possible and in the least amount of space fat is awesome.  After all the ninja community long ago figured out that carbs make people fat not fats (excluding all trans fats, ie trans fat = dead bodies).  So they have a healthy diet of animal fats, olive oils, nuts, avocados and other healthy fats.  Since there is really no use in arguing with a ninja we know all this to be fact.  But for you doubters out there see link above. 
Rule 4: Eat your fats it is healthy for your body, or you can go commit harikari on yourself before a ninja gets to you and puts a sai where the sun don't shine.

To end this whole things.  Humans haven't evolved or changed since creation (depending on which view you take).  The point is we are the same as we were 20,000 years ago and that whole hunter gatherer diet is still the way we were suppose to eat.  Inevitably when the first Ninja was born there was a realization that the human genetics is suppose to consume food in this same manor and thus the ninja society as a whole continued down this path.  Hence they are superior hunters of humans because they have a superior diet.  I hope the diet and life style you have will now change for the better, untill your health declines due to katana in the jugular.