Hard Water Ninja

I inserted the word water into the title because I think people will get the wrong idea.  Something about 'hard ninja' Just screams ninja walking around with a boner.  Anyway, let us discuss what it is to be 'hard' and for you all playing the Ninja home game I am not talking about boners... I digress. The 'hard' I am talking about is the 'no shit fortitude' that no matter what 'throwing stars of death' life tosses your way you are going to make it.  If you have seen a Clint Eastwood movie pretty much every character he plays is 'hard'.  Now I am not saying everyone should go smoke 3 packs of cowboy killers a day and walk around talking in a low throaty voice like Clint. But take note, Clint is a bad ass.  The other type of hard is say, Alice from Resident Evil (seriously they should pay me moneys for pimping their movies, are you listening Constantin Film Produktion ?) Now this chick is hard, but in the way that, she has a 'never say die' attitude.  She presents it differently than Clint does. Clint: I'm a bad ass with years of ass kicking under my belt. Alice: I am hot chick who can kick your ass if you make me and look good doing it with a red dress and big black boots... don't be a zombie.  Here is the crux of the whole idea of being hard.  You have to have decided, way before the shit goes down, that you are going to make it.  You aren't going to cop out, break down and start crying about "Its over man!" *insert Bill Paxton voice here* or "I can't go any further". Screw that!  You are the type that is going to walk through a horde of the undead with a sledge hammer and make survival happen.  Not, hope and pray for someone to rescue you.  Note to all my readers, the sledge hammer is an excellent tool for zombie killing, it never runs out of bullets.  Sure you might loose a few team mates along the way, and that sucks balls.  But, you aren't going to stop and start balling your eyes out about it right then and there amid the ensuing slaughter of the apocalypse.  Being hard also means having a damn survival instinct.  Knowing when it is time to run for your life or start swinging a cricket bat at the problem. This is probably one of the best instincts to have and sadly I think too few people actually have that anymore.  So, I will give you a one question quiz just in case you are one of those people who isn't sure if they have a survival instinct.  To make it even easier it will be multiple choice. 

Question #1 You see a huge grizzly bear in front of you what do you do?
a. Play Dead
b. Yell really loud and pray a park ranger hears you before the grizzly mauls you to death
3. Run like your pants are on fire and see if you can make it far enough away that it won't want to maul you any more.
d. Pick up your trusty cricket bat and charge the bear screaming your war cry at the top of your lungs.
5. Except your fate, the Lion King taught you that this is the circle of life and being eat isn't as bad as some people make it out to be, shit happens.

Which one did you choose?
I'll even helped you out. There are two right answers to the question, A and D if you chose any of the odd ball numbers or the fact that park rangers are to busy trying to catch people growing pot in the forest to come help you... You have no survival instinct.  By the way the average running speed of a Grizzly is 30 mph, and to put that in perspective the fastest human on earth ran the 100m sprint only got up to 23.4 mph and we all know none of you out there are getting up to that speed and not for the distance necessary to out run a grizzly, end of story.
Why were those two answers correct you might ask.  Well playing dead has been shown to work and at least you won't die out of breath, ie grizzly bears can run at 25-30 mph for two miles on average this means if you are a biped you are dead.  So some might ask why is D a correct answer, no I wouldn't always suggest this and the reaction of the bear could go either way but at least you have a fighting spirit and you can take that to the bank (and grave) if the bear decides to stick around and go fists to cuffs with you and your cricket bat.  If not the bear is going to run away thinking the tiny biped that is screaming like a little girl and swinging a stick is probably rabid and bears don't like rabies.
To rap this whole mess up.  Being hard is making the decision that you are going to survive through any conflict no matter what.  I repeat "no matter what."  Yes it will be difficult.  But, you have decided to grab your balls or ovaries and man/woman up and get through it.  Watching a few zombie and ninja movies will probably help you to.

Segway Ninja

First, don't let the title fool you ninjas do not need Segways.  Segways can't climb up walls, swing through windows or be used to decapitate humans.  So with that in mind, a ninja just doesn't have a need for a segway.  However, I'd like to take a moment of silence for the passing of the inventor of the segway who perished 2ish years ago during a freak segway accident.  http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/09/27/owner-segway-company-dies-driving-famous-scooter-cliff/?test=faces Apparently Jimi Heselden was riding a new cross country version of the segway on a mountain path and for some reason plummeted off a cliff to his death.  *Moment of silence* Okay done with that.
Exactly what the hell is a cross country segway?  Why would some one who doesn't even like to walk (hence the segway) want a cross country segway that will take them to places they probably have no business or desire to go.  Personally if I want to go for a hike, I'll strap on a pair of shoes and go.  I'm not going to put on my 'hiking socks' jump on my cross country segway and ride my jolly ass around the mountains, no sir.  But, this has inspired me to release my new re-invention to the world that I call 'Feet'.  That's right, almost everyone has two of them and for a low low price of free you can use these babies all day to go places, do things, and generally any locomotion you might need.  I guess that is why we were given them at birth.  Now I am all about forward thinking and inventions/gadgetry but with the obesity epidemic ever growing in the world, why would some one need one of these segways other than to be even more lazy? 

Which brings me to my last point, remember what rule 1 was in Zombieland?  Cardio.  Well, this also applies to not only zombies but ninjas.  Being opportunistic killers we will probably go after the fatties first.  Why? you ask.  Well its easier to throwing star someone in the neck that is a stationary target rather than a moving target.  So naturally a sedentary fatty is a great couple warm up shots before moving on to the real prey.  If you think jumping on a segway is some how going to save you and that you will ride away from a ninja and escape his/her death clutches, please think again.  Your average segway moves at 12.5 mph a ninja in comparison moves at the speed of a hungry cheetah.  So in any case you are toast.  Also segways only have a range of 24 miles.  While a ninja doesn't need to sleep and can run a distance of a million dead bodies laid head to foot.  Which is about 1104.8 miles.
I hope we have all learned a valuble lesson from this.  But, I'll be damned if I know what it was.

Food Ninja

So instead of ranting about the news, religion and sanity all going to the crapper.  Today I would like to discuss food and rules for eating a Ninja approved diet. 

First off, if you look at the Ninja you will notice he isn't carrying any bread just fruits and veggies.  This should be a clue to the normal human that maybe if ninja are not eating bread that means people shouldn't be either.  So we can than deduce
Rule 1: If ninja don't eat bread and cereal grains regular humans should not eat them either.  If you are interested in the why you shouldn't I personally won't go into it but you can check information out here http://www.thepaleodiet.com/  www.marksdailyapple.com/   http://robbwolf.com/

We can also come to a conclusion from this picture,
Rule 2: Eat your fruits and veggies, its what ninjas do and if you don't want to die to a throwing star to the face, eat veggies!  I think this rule is self explanatory but if not see link above for more details. 

Now this might not be extremely obvious from the picture but since Ninja are blood thirsty creatures of death we know they eat meat.  Seriously how long do you think a vegan ninja would last?  About 2 shakes of a nunchuck and that ain't long.  So remember eat your meats or end up like the first vegan ninja, dead.
Rule 3: Eat meat (fish, beef, pork and birds) or die a horrible death.

So now we come to the final rule. If you are eating your fruits, veggies and meats there is one last thing you will need, fats.  Sounds odd doesn't it but fat burns twice as good as carbs for an energy source and since a ninja needs as much energy as possible and in the least amount of space fat is awesome.  After all the ninja community long ago figured out that carbs make people fat not fats (excluding all trans fats, ie trans fat = dead bodies).  So they have a healthy diet of animal fats, olive oils, nuts, avocados and other healthy fats.  Since there is really no use in arguing with a ninja we know all this to be fact.  But for you doubters out there see link above. 
Rule 4: Eat your fats it is healthy for your body, or you can go commit harikari on yourself before a ninja gets to you and puts a sai where the sun don't shine.

To end this whole things.  Humans haven't evolved or changed since creation (depending on which view you take).  The point is we are the same as we were 20,000 years ago and that whole hunter gatherer diet is still the way we were suppose to eat.  Inevitably when the first Ninja was born there was a realization that the human genetics is suppose to consume food in this same manor and thus the ninja society as a whole continued down this path.  Hence they are superior hunters of humans because they have a superior diet.  I hope the diet and life style you have will now change for the better, untill your health declines due to katana in the jugular.

People Rating System for Ninjas

Booya Snakeyes Bitches!!!

In my past blog entry I introduced a rating system for books and would like to hash out another one for everyone. Just so later on we can all be clear when I start saying person/thing is awesome (look everyone I can spell it right now) or if whatever is a sh!t bomb.
The new rating system I would like to introduce is another throwing star based system.  Unlike my last one I introduced.  This one is based around the lower the number of stars the more we like something. Scoring will be between 0 (which is good) and 5 (which is very bad... bad like castration bad). This rating system can be used when ranking people, animals, teddy bears, music, dinosaurs and movie directors that raped my youth (I am looking at you Stephen Sommers 'GI Joe: Rise of Cobra' was blasphemy). So here it is.

0 Throwing Stars - This means that you wouldn't throwing star what ever that thing is.  You enjoy said object and you have something resembling affection for it (ninjas rarely use the word Love, we reserve that for sharp pointy things, the movie Ninja Assassin and Mr. Miyagi).  This is normal reserved for things you really, really enjoy.  Like stegosauruses they rock or my teddy bear Barnabas who also rocks... Moving on.

1 Throwing Star - Whatever it is doesn't piss you off it is just a little annoying.  Much like Linkin Park's newer album 1000 Suns.  They are okay but they still deserve a little pain for causing me to listen to their emo sh!t in between the good songs.  Another example would be jackals they clean up dead bodies really well.  But, they are kind of a yip yip dogs too, so throwing a pointy object at jackals normally gets them to shut up.  So to sum this up it annoys you but not unbearable, like the latest Predator movies.

 

2 Throwing Stars - This conjures up feels like the time you got that mosquito bite on your arm.  It itched it was annoying but you could deal with it.  What ever caused the annoyance you would like to make bleed.  Not gushing fountains of red vital but enough to let them know it f#$k up. This is kin to a neighbor, who you hate, and has two fat kids, unruly dogs and looks like they just rolled out of a twinky truck. Who wouldn't want to blast that with a throwing star? Answer: No one. Two throwing stars won't kill but maiming has its own rewards.

3 Throwing Stars - This one got under your skin.  Much like the person that hangs out with you in social setting but is horribly awkward.  Whatever it is has caused you discomfort and the only resort is some spinning sharp metal, three to be exact, too any part or orifice of the body.  This will probably cause whatever it is to go away maimed, curl up in a corner and die if you are lucky. This is also the rating I give to slow zombies, not the fast ones like in 28 days later.  The slow ones that walk at a snails pace and won't ever catch you unless you trip on your own shoe laces and sprain an ankle.  These guys aren't really a threat so they don't get lumped in with other faster zombies.

4 Throwing Stars - What ever it is it made you mad.  Red in the face, rapid breathing and blood pressure goes up.  Fight or flight instinct kicks in and you are all about the fight (Ninjas live for this!).  4 throwing stars is more than enough to kill your average person but not instantly.  You are going to enjoy the suffering of this sad creature while you gloat over its soon to be corps. Warning: 4 throwing stars is not enough to kill a dinosaur such as the Mastodon or Tyrannosaurus.  You must multiply the number of stars by 10 if you want to bring down a giant lizard.  But, for purposes of rating only use the 0-5 stars it gets far to complicated if you say, "I hate something 40 throwing stars," rather than saying, "I'd take 4 throwing stars to that dinosaur."

5 Throwing Stars - Whatever it is you want it f#cking dead and you want it dead now.  In the face, Boo ya!!1! It is a disgrace to humanity and/or the animal kingdom.  To give you an idea the directors to such movies as GI Joe (grrrr), The Hurt Locker (what fantasy war was that?), In the Name of the King (never actually saw it but it looked stupid as sh!t, what was Jason Statham thinking?) and people who add 'Esquire' on to the end of their name because they think it sounds cool. Yes they all deserve some well placed throwing stars to vital areas on the body.  Also, fast zombies, 'Why fast zombies?" unless you want to turn into one or become a snacky snack for the undead masses, get throwing.  These guys can run for a long time and quickly, they are ravenous (like fat people at golden corral) and they don't care what you are they want you dead (like politicians... this also might be a form of the undead but I am undecided at this point).

Female Ninja

False advertising

Decapitation by Kunoichi

I think we need to set the record straight about female ninja or Kunoichi i.e. woman who practices ninjitsu.  If you were to type that into the google machine and click images you would get some scantly clad hookers with swords in provocative positions.  This is just not accurate at all.  Female ninja/Kunoichi dress in appearance to male ninja (ninja have been equal opportunity for centuries, eat that affirmative action).  Sorry to all you anime jackoffs but they don't walk around in bikinis with their boobs all hanging out.  They are killing machines of death and they aren't to be F'd with.  In fact most men will have no shot with a Kunoichi at all.  If you do happen to find yourself with a Kunoichi DO NOT use a pick up line.  Your head will be separated from your shoulders and your soul will exit out of your neck along with gallons of arterial spray.  So don't be an idiot.  Your not going to impress your friends by hitting on her unless your idea of impressing some one is having your head chopped off and super soaking all the walls with your blood.  But, what am I talking about?

Accurate representation of a Kunoichi

You won't ever see a ninja male or female anyway unless you are a ninja.  I think this is just a simple case of false advertising getting the best of people.  That and some companies think if you tack the word 'ninja' in front of something it makes it better... Okay so the ninja blender is pretty rocking.  But other things just are crap.  Like anything labeled 'ninja sword' is probably a piece of shit metal, hammered into what some one thought was a cool design and sold on amazon.  Another is the 'ninja grappling hook', dude I haven't used a grappling hook since 1993.  I own walls fences and skyscrapers with my ninja awesomeness I don't need a shitty grappling hook to get over one of those things.  So, long story short you won't see a Kunoichi, if you do she will decapitate you and if by some miracle she doesn't you basically got to second base in ninja terms.  Lastly like your mother always told you don't date killing machines of death, so that means no ninja.

Awesome blender!

When the sh!t goes down Ninja

Probably shocking to most readers of my blog, I actually read books at certain times of the year or if the subject interests me.  My latest read has been by an award winning writer known as Forrest Griffin (by award winning I mean he was the Light Heavy Weight UFC Champion) called "Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down".  First I would like to preface with, this book is not for kids or anyone under the age of 16.  Neither is it for anyone on a hallucinogenic drugs. The humor is crude his language is vile and God bless him it is awesome.  The book is especially ninjatastic (see I made that word up by myself). You have to realize Forrest takes regular beatings to the cranium. Knowing this, the fact that he doesn't have massive brain damage and can create coherent sentences is amazing...  Well, after reading the book you may conclude that there was some damage done but he makes it work, and his grammar is better than mine, so maybe this means I should take some head pounding and see if it fixes things up stairs.  Back to the book, it is a step by step process in which Forrest explains to you why he will survive an apocalypse and the things you will need to traverse this horrific new world and why other people will inevitably die.  There are people that won't like this book and I doubt any of them read my ridiculous blog.  But, for everyone else (and if you are reading this, that is you) this book is guaranteed to make you laugh and ask yourself one simple question "What is mentally wrong with Forrest?"  He goes through most of the basic apocalypse scenarios and hits up a few I hadn't thought of such as 'Giant Spider Apocalypse.'  Truly scary to imagine.  Now, do I think this book will help save your life when the apocalypse happens?  Let me answer that this way. If you believing in God it doesn't hurt you to think that there is one and he is doing his thing so you better be a good person. If you are following my thought patten, visa via, it doesn't hurt you to read this book and try to glean ideas on how to survive the end of the world.  do I think we all should strap on our favorite loin cloths (and you all have one... be honest) and start running around practicing for the end of the world *deep breath* hell ya.  However, I get the feeling the local PD will be chasing after my jolly ass faster than you can say, "Holy sh!t Ninja gone crazy!" But, needless to say I am defiantly giving this book 4.5 throwing stars out of 5 (which is the feeling you get somewhere between nun chucking your arch rival and bloody katana slaughter).  And if anyone wants to know how the throwing star book rating system works please keep read and remember 'you asked for it.'

1 Throwing Star - This is a mighty piece of crap, barely deserves the job as a coaster or door jam.  In fact, just light it on fire that is probably the best use for this book anyway. If it was a human I would decapitate and tea bag he/she out of sheer principle (no that isn't necrophilia either you sick bastards, it is just is what it is... that was a cop out)

2 Throwing Stars - This is much like when you had to read Lord of the Flies or Catcher in the Rye in High School.  You found some perverse enjoyment but no true joy in reading.  It does bring you to anger but something inside says "It could have been much worse"  Like that time in prison... Forget I said that.

3 Throwing Stars - This is the kind of enjoyment you get from slashing some asshole's tires.  There is a moment of "Hell ya!" and than an instant later "Sh!t I hope no one saw me."  Although normal people get that feeling ninja do not. Simply because we are never seen slashing tires.  We are such experts you could be standing right by your car and never once notice the ninja going hibachi chef on your wheels.

4 Throwing Stars -  This book should conjure up memories of the first time you nun chucked some one in the face.  How fun was that?  If you don't know, go up to the person you like the least pull nun chucks out of your back pack slap them across the face once and walk away.  You'll notice as you walk away that you are smiling and that is how this book should make you feel.

5 Throwing Stars -  This is like full on decapitation enjoyment.  Living in the glorious gore of the moment continuously.  Much like orgasmic explosive release but with a ninjato sword and less blood... I mean more blood... F#%* forget the blood and just take my word for it this book rocks!

*The Ninja*

Ninja Minds #1

I am going to start a new section in my blog called "Ninja Minds".  Basically this will give you insight into what a ninja is thinking during everyday circumstances.  Please note, I do not recommend you take the actions I do or attempt to duplicate the results I have seen.  Just a disclaimer and for your own safety.  So lets kick things off with this mind bending scenario.

Asshat driver

You are driving down a 3 lane highway and you notice a black ford mustang bobbing and weaving through traffic behind you.  He is odiously speeding and liberally applying his assholeness to the other drivers.  What do you do?

I wonder if anyone actually reads this sign?

a. Get to the far right lane and pray he gets around you as quickly as possible.

how to block anyone from passing

b. Find two other cars going relatively the same speed in the other two lanes and pace them forcing this guy to slow down.  He than slowly starts going insane because he can't get around you starts slipping in and out of lanes trying to get one of you to sped up so he can get around the rest.  You smile in enjoyment as he slams his fist on his steering wheel and screams profanities at you all.  You can't really tell what he is saying because you are looking through your rear view mirror and everything is backwards so it just looks like he is saying "apple sauce"  many times in a row. 

Yes this use to be a mustang

c.  As he is driving by you wipe out your ninjato roll down your window and slice one of his tires.  He than starts spinning out of control careening into the guard rail and all manor of tragedy ensues.  Mostly involving el douche bag's mustang being torn into little pieces at high speeds.

d.  Keep driving don't make eye contact memorize his license plate and call the police about an aggressive driver in a Mustang Florida license plate. 

So which answer did you choose?  We allow me to explain why whatever you choose was wrong.

I beleve this is a "Come at me bro" scenario

First, I don't care if some one is speeding just don't be a dick about it.  Blinkerless lane changes and turning the highway into your own personal NASCAR track isn't how it's done.  Also if you are speeding, smile, it goes a long way to say "Yes I am speeding but I'm not angry and its an enjoyable thing right now." 

Ginger needs to keep his blood pressure down

Snake Eyes.... enough said

Now to get to the answer to this situation.  What you really should do is set your cruise control roll down your window climb onto the roof of your vehicle as he passes by you jump onto his using your ninjato to pierce through his roof and give you a good hand hold.  He will start to panic and swerve about erratically (especially if your sword has pierce him as well as the roof).  You will then use your ninjato to open the roof of the car like a can of sardines  Please not that if there is a sun roof this is not necessary just smash that in and enter the vehicle.  After his is accomplished gingerly slip into the passenger seat.  You will then lecture said asshat for no less than 67 seconds on his stupid behavior.  After you have reach your minimum time you will the take your ninjato and cut off both his thumbs.  You will then exit the car and say something like, "and your getting off pretty easy, I could have done a Raymond on you" this will leave him with a puzzled look that will take away from the fact he has no thumbs. You will then leap back on your passing vehicle and take control of it again. 

That pretty much sums up what you need to do in that situation.  If you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment I o read them all.  Also if there is a situation in your life that you would like me to solve for you or give you options feel free to leave it in the comments and I will see what I can work up.